hunk of the coconut bar, chewing as I head to the back door, stepping onto the porch. The morning sun blinds me, like it’s fair that the sky is so perfectly clear, like it’s fair that the day is so deliciously warm.
After last night, the sky should be punishing me with pelting cold rain.
Last night was a punch to the ribs—of my own doing, but nonetheless, that’s what it was. My muscles ache, my head hurts, and my throat feels raw.
I take another bite of the bar, but the coconut is cardboard to me. Telling Gabe I only wanted to be friends tasted like the worst lie in the world. I don’t want to be friends. I want to be everything.
I sink onto the steps, sadness shrouding me, my heart caving. A robin swoops down, hopping across the grass.
I remember the robins and their hunt for cheese and crackers the day David dumped me at Silver Phoenix Lake. That same fateful day my friendship with Gabe launched.
I toss the remains of the coconut bar to the bird. Chirping, he pecks at it, and I try to laugh, to tell myself this is funny and I’ll share the story with Gabe. But it’s not any easier to return to our normal today than it was yesterday. The prospect of starting a Words with Friends game with him makes my head throb.
I pick myself up, shower, and change my clothes.
I can’t wallow all day. I’m a doer. So, I do. Grabbing the book I brought home last night, I head to my car and drive over to Gabe’s mom’s house. When she answers, I flash a smile. “Hi, Mrs. Harrison.”
“Hey, Arden, good to see you. Want to come in? Gabe’s not here.”
“That’s okay. I was looking for you anyway.”
“You were?”
I lean in close, whispering conspiratorially, “Don’t tell the Bookstore Police.”
Her blue eyes sparkle, just like his. “Oh! More top secret goodies.”
I hand her the Robert Galbraith, adding my best everything is fine smile. “Just for you.”
She clutches the treasure to her chest. “I’m diving in today.” Then she wraps her arms around me. “You’re such a wonderful friend to my son. What would I do without you?”
Her words are my reminder. This is why I did what I did. To preserve what we’ve had.
Our friendship is a gift, and I treasure it the same way I do words and stories.
As I walk away, I tell myself giving up the chance for more has to be worth it.
39
Gabe
Some things stay the same.
The day after she turns me down, I run. I cut across town, tuning into a Surprise Me playlist on Google Play.
I make a path past the springs, toward the hill, and right to Silver Phoenix Lake as a song from the Heartbreakers comes on.
“About a Girl.”
Some tune about how men will change their lives for a girl.
I shake my head. “No shit.”
The line about falling hard and changing everything is a slap in the face.
“I did fall hard,” I mutter. “I wanted to change everything.”
I run up the trail, running past the spot where I found Arden more than a year ago, flashing back to that fateful day.
I should have known then I’d wind up right where I am—with an aching in my chest. I should have known because whatever feelings I’d already had for her—the crush that kicked in the first time I met her—didn’t vacate when I saw snot running down her nose. When I witnessed her tears for another man. The way I felt for her only intensified.
She was crying in her crackers then, and I still found her endearing.
Kind.
Clever.
And beautiful.
After eight punishing miles of trying to drain my thoughts of her, I do what I did that day. I run to my parents’ house. As I turn the corner to their block, a red car fades in the distance, cruising the other way.
Her car?
Hell, that’s a crazy thought.
Must be another red car.
When I go inside, my mom waves from the couch. “Do not disturb. I’m reading the new Robert Galbraith.”
“Isn’t that out on—?”
Before I say Tuesday, I know Arden was here, stopping by to give my mom a gift. My chest hollows, a big gaping hole that I wish I could fill with how I feel for her. If she keeps being herself, she’s going to make it awfully hard to get over her.
I head to the kitchen, and when my dad offers me a coffee, he asks what’s going on with her.
“Nothing. That’s the trouble. She