As usual, it didn’t stop her.
“You’ll know most of the people there,” she forged on. “You could just make a brief appearance. You know, go in the back door, with security, with Xander or whoever you feel most comfortable with…”
She faded off, and maybe she was waiting for me to say, I’ll go with you.
But I couldn’t say that.
“You can say hello, at least,” she went on. “We can make sure that there’s a seat saved for you at a table with the band and Brody. I’ve been to a bunch of Dirty parties now, and I know we can arrange it however works for you. Liam can be glued to your side. And with the amount of security Ronan’s gonna have at this thing, trust me, no one will even be able to get near you if you don’t want them to.”
“Then what’s the point?”
“Well… the point is, you get to go to the party. You worked just as hard on this album as everyone else. You deserve to be there. Plus, you get to feel the rush of being in that room as people hear the music for the first time. It’s going to be an incredible party. Summer’s planning this whole ridiculous masquerade ball theme… It’s gonna be off the hook. But… it just won’t be the same without you there.”
That was kind. But it was making my head hurt.
“Well, I’m not going.”
“You won’t even consider it? It’s a masquerade. You can even wear a mask. You know, like Slash’s top hat?”
“I have considered it.”
There was a long silence before she said, “Have you?”
“I’m not going to the party, Taylor.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to.”
“Is that true? Or are you just afraid to?”
“I don’t feel comfortable going. So I’m not going.”
She stood there on the bottom stair, not budging. It felt like we were in a standoff in my foyer.
How the hell did we get here?
This morning was incredible, until this. And it was her fucking birthday. Was I really getting into a fight with her on her birthday?
Way to fucking go, asshole.
“But how do you know how you’ll feel if you haven’t actually tried yet?” she pressed.
“Are you saying I don’t know what I feel or what I want?”
“Of course not.” She came closer, standing in front of me. “I just wonder if what you imagine the party will be like, in your head, isn’t the same as reality.”
“So, you’ve been to a few industry parties this summer and now you think you know the way it’s going to be for me?”
“I’m just saying, the room will be filled with people who’re looking forward to seeing you. Friends and colleagues. Wouldn’t you go if this was a release party for Alive’s new album?”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“I just mean,” she said gently, “before what happened to Gabe, you’d go, right? Even if you were anxious about it? And it would turn out okay.”
“Yeah, well some things didn’t turn out okay, Taylor.”
“I know. I didn’t mean—”
“Is this you being supportive? Because if so, I can’t wait to see you when you’re giving me a hard time.” I turned and headed for the studio doors.
I could hear her suck back a careful breath behind me. “I know you’re angry. You’re still angry about what happened and you’re probably angry with everyone for trying to push you—”
“I just don’t need to have this conversation every time I see you.” I stopped at the doors to the studio, my back to her.
“You haven’t seen me in months,” she said quietly.
“And why do you think I shut people out in the first place?” I turned to face her. “Because this is what it turns into. The same conversation, over and over. I said no. I’m not going to the party.”
“I heard you. I just wanted to know why. I was just trying to challenge you a little, if your only reason is that you’re scared.”
“As if that isn’t reason enough? You think my anxiety isn’t real and I can just pretend it away?”
“Of course not. It’s very real.”
“And you know that because you Googled anxiety disorders and now you think you’re an expert or something.”
She just stared at me for a long moment, her eyes looking a little pink. “I was just trying to get some information because I was hoping to understand and help. That’s all. I would love it if you’d share that information with me, but you don’t seem to want to. And I’m never sure when I