come to your place—”
“Actually, I’d rather not do it here. Can we do it at your place?”
“Yeah. Of course. You can come over anytime.”
“Okay. Let me get back to you with a time that works.”
“Sure. And thank you. I promise, we don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.”
“Yeah. I know. I’ll call you later.”
I hung up; my heart was pounding. I was in no way ready to do this interview, but maybe I’d actually started to accept that I never would be.
Courteney had told me, way back at the beginning of the year, that she was writing a biography about Gabe.
I wasn’t happy about it, at first.
But that didn’t stop her.
She’d already been working on it for a long time, and judging by the argument we’d gotten into about it and how she’d stood her ground with me, it was important to her. By now, she’d gone ahead and interviewed Xander and Dean for the book, as well as a bunch of other friends of Gabe’s, and even his parents, who’d read a draft and approved of the book. She’d forwarded me the email they’d sent to her about it, and they’d seemed so pleased with the book, I’d finally read it. Yesterday.
It had taken me all day to get through it, because I kept having to put it down. It was that good, which meant that for me it was bitter and it was sweet. I’d actually cried a bit, for the first time in a long fucking time. Partly because of the memories it brought up and partly because I was really fucking proud of my sister—and pissed at myself that I’d actually considered trying to stop her from writing and publishing the book.
A book that honored Gabe.
I knew mine was the last interview Courteney needed to finish the book, and one of the most important ones. And if I held it up any longer or cancelled on her, it would fuck with her getting the book done.
I hadn’t just been stalling the Players’ album. I’d been stalling my whole goddamn life, for years. And now I was stalling my sister’s book—her dream—and that was not fucking fair.
Courteney deserved better than that.
They all deserved better.
Better than what I’d given them.
I’d completely stalled out my relationship with Taylor, cut her loose and left her adrift, like Ash said. I’d promised her we’d talk after the album was done, and she had to know by now that the album was done.
If she hadn’t moved on… if she was really hurting like he said she was, I had to make it right.
I had to try.
So I manned up and I called her, desperate to do that any way I could.
“Cary?” she said softly when she answered.
“Yeah. It’s me.”
There was silence on the other end of the line. Then… she started crying.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m emotional. It’s been a rough week.”
Fuck me… What was I doing? Was I making this worse?
“I didn’t mean to upset you. Shit, I’m sorry. I just wanted to say happy birthday. For this weekend.”
“Oh.” She sniffled. “Thank you.”
Yeah, I knew her birthday was coming up in a few days. Just made it extra fucking terrible of me to leave her hanging right now.
Or call her up out of the blue and fuck with her head. Happy fucking birthday.
But I wasn’t trying to fuck with her. I was trying to fix this.
“Look, I know you must have plans this weekend,” I said, forcing the words out with whatever balls I had left. “But… if there’s any chance you have some time on Saturday or Sunday… I’ve decided to do an interview. My first one in years. And I wondered if there’s any chance you would consider going with me.”
There was a long, silent pause. “What time is the interview?”
I exhaled, realizing I’d been holding my breath. She was actually considering this?
“Whatever time you want. Courteney is interviewing me for her book. She’s writing a book about Gabe.”
“I heard.”
“She said anytime is fine.” I took a deep breath. “Honestly, I’m not even one-hundred-percent sure I won’t bail.”
“Why?” she said softly. “Why would you bail?”
“Because I’m fucking scared,” I admitted.
“You can do it, Cary. I know you can.”
“Maybe…” I dug deep, again, for the sheer balls it took to ask this of her. “If you were there, I could. I know I don’t have a right to ask you for anything. But this just isn’t the type of thing I’ve ever been able to do alone.”