mind.”
“That finger tapping thing you do?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re playing ‘Gimme Shelter’?”
“Usually. Sometimes it’s bits of other songs that I’ve been working on or something else that’s stuck in my head. But usually, it’s that song. And there you were, at my door, with those words inked into your flesh.”
Taylor’s eyes sparkled with emotion, and she smiled. “What can I say? Clearly, I was sent from above.”
“You know, Taylor, sometimes I think you were.” My gaze traced the soft curves of her face. “I don’t know how to tell you how much it wrecked me when I pushed you away. Knowing that I’d hurt you… It crushed me. I wanted to reach out and apologize. I wanted to make it better. But I didn’t trust myself. I wouldn’t allow myself to get close to you if I was just going to hurt you again. I can’t even explain to you how scared I’ve been. What man wants to admit that his life has become ruled by fear?”
She held my hand and said, “It’s okay to be vulnerable, Cary. It’s okay to be afraid.”
“Ever since Gabe died… I wanted to protect myself from going through that kind of pain, ever again. But I also felt all this guilt for letting him down. I couldn’t stand to have someone I loved get hurt. I couldn’t stand to lose anyone like that again.”
“I’m right here, Cary. You don’t have to be afraid.”
I took a breath and forced the words out. “So, you might’ve figured it out by now… but Gabe died the day after my birthday.”
“Yeah, I kind of found that out the hard way,” she said. “I never would’ve thrown you that birthday party if I knew, Cary. I swear, I didn’t know. I never would’ve been so insensitive. And I can totally understand why your birthday isn’t a happy day for you. Everybody telling you ‘happy birthday’ while you just want them to shut the fuck up.”
“Yeah. That’s pretty much it.” I tried to smile, but fell short. “And I’m sorry that it sucks for everyone around me. I know my family wants to be able to celebrate me without having the black shadow of Gabe’s death on it, but it is. For me it is, forever. And finding my parents here like that… I used to be so afraid of letting them down. I had the worst stage fright at shows when I knew they were in the audience. They always just made thing worse, somehow. My mom’s nervousness made it so much worse for me. And my dad’s tough love approach was no better. And the bigger Alive got as a band, the worse it got. I got afraid of letting the band down, letting Gabe down. Letting the fans down. The record company. Everyone. But on my birthday… standing there in front of you and all the food and the effort you’d put into it, for me… I couldn’t believe I was letting you down.” I hesitated before continuing. I didn’t want her to feel bad about what happened that day, but she deserved the whole truth. “When the panic hits… I get so scared of losing control that it just takes over. I went into the studio to hide because I knew it was coming and I couldn’t stop it. I hyperventilate, I shake, I can’t see straight. My bones feel like they’re made of jelly. I didn’t pass out that day, but I lay on the floor for a while because I was afraid I couldn’t get up.”
“That’s what you did, on your birthday?” she asked me quietly. “You locked yourself in the studio and had a panic attack, and lay on the floor all alone?”
“I’m not a normal guy, Taylor.
“I know that. And I love everything about you.”
I took a breath, and I told her the thing that scared me the most. “I don’t think I can be what you want.”
“And what is it you think I want you to be? The only thing I want you to be is mine.”
I didn’t even know what to say to that. A big part of me had a hard time accepting that she wanted me—and everything that came with me.
“I’m here to tell you, Cary Clarke, we’re all abnormal. What matters is how you pick yourself up after you fall.”
I looked into her eyes. “What if I fail? I don’t want to let you down again.”
“Everyone fails, Cary. You will fail and you’ll pick yourself up and keep trying. And