be the bravest person in the world, and the only thing I could think about was you and your mom. The only thing I could think of was making sure that every single day you know that you are loved.
I need you to be okay, Little One. I need you to fight to be okay, and I need you to know that I love you and your mom so much.
I spoke with your grandpa Ryan tonight. He’s a good guy, but don’t listen to what he has to say about me. He told me that I need to fight for your mom. I need to fight for you and for her and for us. I need to show her how much I love her. I’m going to do it. Until my last breath, she is going to know that I love you both with everything I have.
Be good, Little One.
Dad
I look down at her, waiting for her to tell me she wants to hear one more journal entry, but instead, she just sits there, staring at me with a look I can’t make out on her gorgeous face.
“I knew that, no matter what, you would be a good dad,” she tells me, sitting up. “I know that now. No matter how you were raised or what your own parents did to you, you’d never make those same mistakes. You are amazing, Carter.”
“I am going to try,” I tell her. “I don’t think I’m going to be perfect, but I’m going to be the best I can be,” I tell her, putting my journal on the side. “I want to be the soccer dad, the football dad. I want to be there for the first crawl and first step. I want to teach them how to ride a two-wheel bike and how to swim. I want to be there every single step of the way not missing a thing.” She smiles at me. “I love you,” I tell her again. “I know I tell you that all the time, but I just don’t want you to ever doubt it. I want us to be a family, and I want to wake up with you every morning. I want to go to bed with my hand on your stomach, so our baby knows I’m there.” She wipes away a tear. “I want to put up the crib with you, and I want to hold your hand at night and in the morning. I want you to depend on me. I want it all, Erin.” I’m putting all my cards on the table, so I will never have to be thinking I should have. “I want it all, and I want it with you.” She comes to me and throws her leg over to sit on my lap. My hands go to her hips, and she leans her head forward. Her hair falls to the front, and I take both hands, tucking it into the back over her shoulder. “You are so beautiful,” I tell her, and she puts her hands on my face.
“I love you,” she tells me, her eyes lighting up. “I love how you put us first. I love how you love our child and didn’t even bat an eye when you found out. I love that you haven’t pushed or asked me for anything more than I was willing to give, and that you’ve given me that time to get there.”
“Are you there, baby?” I ask her, hoping to Christ that I get to have her forever. “There is no going back,” I tell her. “It’s forever. I will not let us fail at this.”
“My parents love me,” she starts to say. “I knew that growing up, and I never doubted that. Not once did I ever feel I wasn’t loved. But I missed my dad. I missed not being able to make him pancakes on Father’s Day or get him to go to the store with me so he could help me buy a gift for my mother.” Her fingers play with the scruff on my face. “This isn’t happening like I thought it would,” she tells me. “I thought I would be married when I became a mom, but I wouldn’t change our journey for anything in the world.”
“Marry me?” I ask her, and she gasps. “This is definitely not the way I wanted to ask you.” I smile at her. “But it is only a matter of time.” My heart pounds in my chest. “Marry me