I am reading along with the journal I started when she told me she was pregnant. I get into bed beside her and try not to wake her. Sitting against the headboard, I start with the first book. Then I take my journal out and start writing.
We are still in Montana. Mommy is pretty tired all the time. She spends her days working, and at night, she is asleep almost as soon as she finishes dinner. She sleeps with her hand on her stomach, but I don’t know if she knows she does this or not. I wonder if you can feel her hand and know how much love flows between you and her.
I’m going to cook for her tonight. Fingers crossed that you let her keep the food down.
We love you little one.
Dad
I look over at her and see that her eyes are open, and she is looking at me. “Hey, did I wake you?”
“No,” she says, not moving. “What are you doing?”
“I’m writing in my journal,” I say while I watch her.
“Do you do that often?” she asks me, and I nod.
“Every day, I write something in it.” I shrug. “When he or she is old enough, they might want to read it. If not, it’ll be just for me. It’s sort of something I wish my parents had done for me, ya know?”
“What do you want?” she asks me, and I look at her with furrowed eyebrows. “Do you prefer a girl or a boy?”
“I don’t care. The main thing is that he or she is healthy.” I smile at her. “What about you?”
“I already love him or her so much, I don’t care.” She smiles, and her hand remains on her belly. “Will you read me something?”
“From my journal?” I ask her, and she just nods. “Any day in particular?” She shakes her head, and I open it to the first page, figuring the beginning is where we always need to return.
Dear Little One,
I found out today I’m going to be your dad. There are no words that I can say to justify how happy I am that you chose me. That you chose us.
I sit here in the guest bedroom of my house, and all I can think of is all the things I want to tell you. All the things I want to do with you. All the ways I’m going to show you how much I love you.
Your mom is . . . she, she is just amazing. I never thought I would love someone the way I love her and you. She came into my life, and she just made it so much better. Made absolutely everything better.
I messed up big time, Little One, so big I don’t think she will ever forgive me, but no matter what, I’m going to love her forever. I don’t think I know how to not love her.
I can’t wait to meet you, Little One.
Dad
I look down and see her with a tear running down her face. “Will you read me another one?” Her voice is soft. I turn the page to the next entry.
Dear Little One,
I met you today for the first time. Well, I saw you for the first time. I also heard your heartbeat, and my heart filled with so much pride and excitement that I thought my own heart would burst out of my chest. I was so proud to be your dad. I held your mom’s hand and looked down, hoping she knew how much I loved her, how much I love you.
I saw your two little nubs that will one day soon be hands and feet. You were spinning around and around. Don’t tell anyone else, but you are the best-looking kid in the world.
I can’t wait to meet you, Little One.
Dad
P.S. If you can, try to go easy on your mom. You are giving her a bad case of morning sickness, and I worry when I’m not there to make sure she is okay.
“One more?” she asks, and I turn to the page when she called me when she was bleeding. The scariest day of my life so far.
Dear Little One,
We had a big scare tonight, so big I didn’t know what to do. I prayed for the first time in a long time, prayed that you would be okay, prayed and even tried to sacrifice myself for you and your mom. I would give anything to make sure you are never hurt. I sat there watching your mom