the weekend,” I replied. “Most people actually relax after a long week of work.”
“Not around here, I see. Too many things need doing.” He glanced over at the cows that had been milked and were now snacking on the leafy greens I brought. “It was the same in the desert. We rarely got any downtime or leave. And if we did, we were careful not to get too shit-faced.”
“Makes sense.” I sobered a little, considering why that might be a bad idea all around. On the farm it wasn’t life or death, but I still tried not to overindulge.
Then Julian went silent, but I breathed out a sigh of relief that at least he wasn’t trying to ignore me. Still, he busied himself with other things, possibly in an effort to avoid speaking directly to me.
“Listen, I apologize again for walking in on you last night,” I said, and his gaze finally rose to mine. “I don’t want to make anything awkward between us. I want you to know that it won’t happen again. I’ll be sure to knock each time before I enter.”
“Don’t sweat it. You shouldn’t go out of your way,” he said, waving me off. “You forget, I’ve had to shower practically out in the open with a bunch of army dudes. My humility is long gone.”
Well, that might’ve explained why he seemed fine with my perusal…except for that arm that came up to cover his chest where it seemed most of the blemished skin was located.
“So no worries. I’m not ashamed of my body being on display.”
I arched an eyebrow. “And you shouldn’t be.” When his eyes briefly widened, I silently cursed myself. “There I go, making this awkward again. All I meant was that you’re in good shape.”
“Thanks.” His gaze latched solidly on to mine. “You’re not too bad yourself.”
My entire body warmed at that comment. Christ, why did hearing him say that make me feel some sort of way I couldn’t wrap my head around?
Because it was nice to be appreciated by a gorgeous man.
Who is also your relative. Ex-relative.
“Thanks for not making it weird.” I reached for the second pump machine to speed us along. I’d already spent way too many minutes deliberating by myself before he showed up to help. “It’s tricky sometimes, not being able to say whatever’s inside my head without ruining the facade.”
His eyebrows knitted together. “What facade?”
“The one I have to use around here.” I shrugged. “I might’ve come out, but that doesn’t mean I can freely express myself, not after I ruined so many things.” My gaze naturally swept toward the Carmichael Ranch beyond the door. “Besides, there are plenty of people who are still uncomfortable with my sexuality.”
When he frowned, my stomach constricted. I certainly didn’t want any pity. But I supposed it was better than disgust or disappointment. I didn’t know why I had even voiced all that out loud anyway. But Julian was pretty easy to talk to, and we had covered plenty of topics the last couple of weeks alone in the barn. Why not the elephant in the room—my sexuality.
“I get it, actually,” he said in a solemn voice as he hooked a machine up to the next cow.
My shoulders stiffened. “What do you mean?”
“You know, staying under the radar. Especially around people who might not understand or who have the power to hurt you.”
My breath hitched because he was exactly right. That was how it felt, and I was pretty exhausted from having to keep it all in. Keep all my ducks in a row. Even after I came out, which felt like instant fucking relief, like I was finally allowed to be myself, I was still paying for the admission every day. I didn’t dare speak freely around anyone in my life, which was probably why finding a hookup in a gay bar a couple of towns away was always such a release. Because it was more than sexual. It was emotional and psychological to ultimately be yourself in a safe space, even if the safe space was with strangers.
I felt Julian’s gaze burning into me, and when I lifted my eyes to his baby blues, the air around us seemed to thicken, like the molecules were banging together in a perfect storm.
What in the world was happening? Had Julian just admitted something to me, or was it only wishful thinking? What would it be like to have a friend to confide in? To speak freely with?
Just as I opened