piss out of me, the two of them. Because I know the Latin name for plants – like I have to for my job – they call me Ordinarius Hominis. It’s Latin for –’
‘“Ordinary man”, yep, I guessed.’
But they were wrong, she was beginning to realize. Ed wasn’t ordinary. Unassuming, maybe, but he was far from ordinary.
NINE
Nell was woken by a ringing phone.
‘Good morning, Nell,’ Dilly said. ‘It’s Easter Friday and time for breakfast. TJ, Bridey and I will pick you up in five. Liam can come too.’
‘What?’ Liam asked sleepily.
‘Dilly and her crew are on their way.’
‘Grand.’ He sat up and rubbed his eyes, while she hurtled towards the shower, then threw on her boiler suit.
Downstairs, the breakfast room was huge and geared up for big groups. Many tables were set to seat twenty or more, all covered with blinding white cloths.
Jessie, Johnny and Saoirse were at a twelve-seater.
‘Ed, Cara and the boys are on their way,’ Jessie said. ‘So, you can order from the menu,’ she said to Nell, ‘or you can help yourself from the buffet.’
‘She knows,’ TJ said.
Gently, Liam said, ‘It’s her first time here.’
‘Where was she all the other years?’ Dilly was confused.
‘You’ll understand when you’re older.’
‘Come on, we’ll show you how the buffet works,’ Bridey said.
Gratefully, Nell stood up. Her in-laws seemed sound, but they were much older than her and lived very different lives. The only ones she felt properly comfortable with were the kids.
‘I want to hold her hand!’ Dilly complained.
‘I wasn’t holding her hand, I was leading her,’ Bridey countered. ‘Anyway, she has two hands.’
‘Tray.’ TJ handed one to Nell.
‘I wanted to give her her tray,’ Dilly said.
‘You snooze, you lose.’
My God, all this food. Nell had seen breakfast buffets before but never a wonderland like this.
‘That’s the fruit,’ TJ said. ‘We don’t bother with that. Obviously. There’s cheese and ham – that’s for the Germans.’
‘Smoked salmon and capers here,’ Bridey said. ‘No. Clue. Why. All along there is the disgusting stuff, sausages, black pudding, horrific. You can skip it –’
‘– because these are the best things.’ TJ led her to a waffle machine. ‘Waffles and pancakes. You can have Nutella or maple syrup –’
‘Or both!’ Dilly said.
‘Then you come back for Coco Pops. But best of all …’ They pulled Nell to a counter, which sported a mesmerizing array of mini-pastries. The smell alone was heady stuff.
‘Excuse me.’ A woman tapped her on the shoulder.
Nell, released from the pastry spell, turned around. ‘Yes?’
‘The toaster is broken, you need to fix it.’
‘I can … Well, I can take a look …’
‘But don’t you work here?’ The woman gestured at Nell’s boiler suit.
‘No. But I can still take a look.’
‘Oh! I’m so sorry.’ The woman backed away and collided with a man who was holding the fullest plate of fried food Nell had ever seen. ‘I thought you were a mechanic.’
The three girls set up a clamour. ‘What did the lady want?’
‘For me to fix the toaster.’
‘Because you wear man’s clothes?’ TJ exclaimed. ‘That’s why I do too. So people know you can do stuff.’
Bridey abandoned her tray, keen to be the first back to the table with the story. Dilly and TJ were hot on her heels, so Nell decided to go too. By then Ed, Cara, Vinnie and Tom had arrived, and the story of Nell’s mistaken identity made everyone laugh and laugh.
‘So she said, “I thought you were a mechanic”!’
‘Then the lady banged into a man and his rashers went all over the floor.’
‘He was pretending he wasn’t cross, but he was raging!’
‘And a bit of his black pudding plopped into the big bowl of yoghurt.’
‘It was so funny.’
Liam was the only one who didn’t seem delighted.
Johnny kept making the girls repeat lines. ‘TJ, say again, “The toaster is broken. You need to fix it.”’
TJ obliged, then Johnny said, ‘Now you, Nell.’
‘So I said, all doubtful, like, “Weeell, I can take a look.”’
‘The gas thing is,’ Jessie said, ‘Nell probably could have fixed the toaster.’
‘Ah, no, electrics aren’t my thing.’
‘But you’d have tried,’ Ed said, and that triggered another outbreak of laughter.
‘Okay,’ Bridey said. ‘We need to eat. C’mon, kiddos, c’mon, Nell.’
Fifteen minutes later, Jessie said, ‘Killjoy Central here, but our jaunting car awaits.’
‘Pray for us,’ Johnny said. ‘I envy you. All you lot are doing is climbing a mountain.’
‘Your packed lunches will be at the front desk,’ Jessie said. ‘And, Nell, you won’t forget to pick up Ferdia and Barty from the station?’
‘Course not.’
‘You’ll be back in time