have to say it again? Every time was like ripping off a Band-Aid. Or part of her skin. A chunk of herself.
“How can you quit? After all this time, all this effort. I don’t get it!” Mom sounded one breath away from a scream. “Tell us what you’re thinking. We want to understand.”
She did too.
She traced the stitching in her dress with one finger. It used to be her parents who knew what she was thinking and feeling before she did. They’d help her define the mess of emotions churning inside. They’d say, You’re frustrated. Angry. Nervous. Hurt. They knew why she did things, even when she didn’t. But there wasn’t a label for this freefall feeling.
“Ria,” said Dad. “I know you’re disappointed about missing that last meet—”
“And Benny is being . . .” Mom cut in, then stopped. Restarted. “I still can’t believe after everything we’ve done for him . . .”
“You paid him to coach me,” said Ria. “He coached me. You don’t have to pay him anymore. Think about all the money you’ll save.”
Mom pursed her lips, then went on. “Our point is, we need to look to the future. Your future.”
Dad stared at her as though he thought he could read her mind. She wished he could, that they both could. But her parents didn’t get it. They’d never been on the board with her. They weren’t the ones who wore the bruises. Their questions only proved how little they knew. All the things they couldn’t possibly understand.
Benny was the only one who knew—and said—the truth.
“There’s no point diving. I blew my chance.” She’d tried to fix things, but he’d turned her away. Again. He didn’t need her. She would have been gone by now, if she’d competed the way she was supposed to. He must have another plan. He always had a plan.
Her parents had tried to support her diving, in the ways they knew how. They were the ones who’d found Benny. Mom had recruited him from a community college after reading how he’d coached a group of former gymnasts with no water experience to win their regional championship. They’d paid him to move.
And, every day, for weeks and months and years, they’d told her how lucky she was that they’d found him, lucky that he was willing to work with her, lucky that she was his pet. She was lucky, privileged, honored that he’d do whatever it took to make her the best. Except they thought, since they paid Benny extensive club and coaching fees, they had the right to weigh in on what she needed. But it was the opposite. As her coach, Benny’s opinion was the one that mattered. Her parents only confused her, making her doubt how things should go.
Once, a few years ago, they’d thought she was overtired, so they made her take a weekend off. Then, when she returned, Benny wouldn’t let her on the board. He’d forced her to sit on the side of the pool as punishment for missing practice. She’d refused, instead decided to run away. A few hours later, Benny was the one who found her walking along the highway. After that, her parents backed off and let him dictate her schedule. She’d insisted they stay away from practices. She didn’t want them to even talk to him.
And now, the thought of starting over with a new coach was impossible to imagine. If she freaked out at that meet in LA, when that coach had just called her name, there was no way she’d make it through a single workout with someone else.
“Don’t you miss it?” asked Dad.
Of course she missed it. Her body literally ached to get back to work. Simply hearing Coach Ling talk about the boards and the water and the maybe of diving had made her weak in her middle.
But worse was the way she wanted to run to Benny and see what he thought. She’d belonged to him for so long, she didn’t know how to be on her own.
She may have gone somewhere new in that cave with Cotton, but now she was right back where she’d started.
Ten
School already felt dim and drab and it was only the second day.
Both Sean and Maggie were so pumped up with the newness of the year and being seniors, it was easy not to say anything about caving. As long as Ria kept asking them questions, their focus never turned on her. That had always been how she avoided letting anyone