pay to be awake, to be alive, then it’s a very, very small price to pay.
“Holy shit, Karma,” Luke says as I pass her phone back and she quickly Googles the offending video. She seems upset, but how can she possibly know that I don't care? I'm awake. I'm alive. I'm surrounded by people I love.
“This is from last year's Devils' Day party,” April says, sitting down beside Luke with Pearl by her side. Pearl seems uncomfortable, wearing my dress and sitting around a fire comprised mostly of the Knight Crew, but she holds her chin high and when she catches me looking at her, she forces a smile. April yawns and lifts up her phone to show us all a still of the video, of me and Calix in the treehouse together. “Who the hell would be cruel enough to post this?”
“Someone who’s hurting and doesn’t know what to do with their pain,” I say, exhaling and rubbing both hands down my face. When I drop them to my lap, I’m smiling and Luke, April, and Pearl are all looking at me like I’ve lost my fucking mind.
But not the boys.
I’m pretty sure they understand what I’m going through.
“Oh well,” Calix says casually, taking another sip of the beer and then reaching up to pull the crown of thorns from his head. “There are worse things than having the world see you fuck the girl you love.” He tosses the crown aside as Luke gags and shakes her head, shivering as Sonja appears behind her and kneads her shoulders with long nails.
“Saw the sex tape. What a bummer,” Sonja says, taking the beer bottle from Calix’s hands before it can reach his lips again. He scowls at her, but it’s short-lived. Instead, his attention falls to me again.
“Should we kick the shit out of Erina?” Raz asks, his fingers stroking up my arm, like he has to touch me to make sure I’m real, that I’m alive. I wonder if he can sense how I’m feeling right now? Like there’s a sunrise bottled up inside of my chest, like I’m sunshine incarnate. I’ve never felt so warm or so happy to be alive.
“No, we leave her. Karma always finds a way,” I say, flashing a grin. Barron smiles at me, passing over his sketchbook. He’s drawn me sleeping, with a single butterfly sitting on my cheek, wings folded, resting before it continues on whatever journey has caught its fancy.
“This happened last night,” he tells me. “Just after you fell asleep. If I’d had my phone, I would’ve taken a picture.”
A grin takes over my lips as I study the drawing, listening to the sounds of the partygoers as they come to, groaning about hangovers and missing underwear and mosquito bites.
I wonder if any of them knows how lucky they are?
Because I sure as hell do.
I see you, universe, I think, touching my fingers to the butterfly in the drawing. I see you, and I’m listening.
Go out and fucking live, it’s telling me.
Live and love.
Message received, accepted, and understood.
I won’t truly believe it’s over until I've woken up on a dozen tomorrows, until I've seen enough sunsets and sunrises to know that time is limping along as she always has, steady and sure, unbreakable, immovable, eternal.
But that’s okay. I know how I broke the … curse, or whatever it was.
I had to find a day where I truly and honestly wanted to live. And I don't just mean survive, I had to truly want to be alive in a way I never had before.
I had to need this: the sun on my skin, the wind in my hair, and a smile on my face.
Calix pulls up outside the house in his Aston Martin, Barron and Raz sitting in the backseat. Raz rolls down the window as I stand there in a white pleated skirt and a lavender Crescent Prep blazer, smirking at me like the asshole he is.
“Need a ride to school?” he asks, raising a brow, his blue eyes watching me like I matter behind the dark frames of his glasses. But not just that, like I'm worth fighting for, like I'm worth caring about, worth loving. “Because we just happen to have an extra seat available.”
“How does Sonja feel about that?” I ask as I open the door on the passenger side and climb in, setting my book bag on the floor near my feet. Luke is still pretty weirded out by my seemingly sudden relationship with the