born and bred monsters could do to a girl with her own eyes the night she’d gone to the Callahan’s house so many years ago. “No, I’m not that person.”
“Damn fucking straight, you’re not.” The vehemence in Connie’s voice took Bodie aback; if she was this powerful as a Domme, Bodie was surprised subs throughout the club didn’t automatically drop to their knees when Connie walked past. “Beneath the anxious mouse façade you hide behind, there is a robust core of strength, Boadicea. We need to find a way to mine it, teach you how to utilize it. Being raised by monsters doesn’t mean you are one.”
“No? I don’t have friends—aside from Liam. I don’t have a social life because I don’t know how to interact with people without turning into a raging bitch.” The faucet on her emotions flipped onto full, and things poured from her mouth at high speed, fast enough she tripped up over most of them. “I live in an apartment with no furniture because I had to sell everything I owned to pay the rent. Even though I have money now, I can’t buy any fucking furniture because if my family come around, they’ll take it. They’ll take every last cent I have and more besides.”
The water fountain of secrets just kept bubbling. “I don’t know how to deal with what Braun wants from me. I saw...I witnessed something when I was younger that scared the shit out of me, and I don’t know how to get past that and give him what he wants. Am I not a monster if I let him believe I can be what he expects me to be?”
A slim hand clamped over her mouth to stem the next surge of verbal vomit. Alarmed, Bodie trembled as Connie shook her head slowly, a flash of temper in her steely eyes. “What you’ve told me in the last thirty seconds would be enough to send most people into deep depression, sweetheart. You’re not a monster, trust me. You’re just so conflicted with everything going on around you, there’s not a lot of room for you to breathe.”
Wasn’t she breathing now?
“I would like you to think about two things, very carefully. First of all, I believe you should consider sitting down with me a couple times a week. Just like this, no pressure, but regularly. We can steal Braun’s office a few times a week or meet somewhere else.” Connie removed her hand slowly. “Don’t dismiss it immediately. Give it some thought.”
Bodie chewed on her lip. She should be hearing herself saying no emphatically, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She’d already told the woman more about herself than anyone else knew about her—more than even Liam. While it hurt, deep inside her, to spill secrets, Bodie found some of the strangling pressure tying up her chest was relieved.
Could she commit to spending predetermined amounts of time discussing her shitshow of a life, pulling it apart and exposing the rotten core? She hated the idea, not only because it would disrupt her rigorous self-management, but because it seemed cruel to unload it all on someone else.
On the same hand...could sharing the weight bring an end to her pain?
“I...maybe once a week?”
“If you’re comfortable with that, we can organize it.” Squeezing Bodie’s fingers lightly, Connie sighed. “The other thing I want to talk about is a little more complex. You need to contemplate how you’re going to break the news to Braun.”
“No.” There, she’d finally said it. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
Because he’ll go fucking mental and never want to see me again. Shaking her head adamantly, Bodie dug her heels in. “Can you imagine how that conversation would go? Oh, hey there, we haven’t been properly introduced, Master Braun. I’m Bodie, your submissive, the fucking virgin. Please, oh please, would you fuck me even though I’m terrified and haven’t got any idea what to do.”
Connie’s eyebrow shot up. “Well, if you tell him like that, I doubt he’ll be best pleased. Mistakes can be forgiven, Boadicea, if you own up to them. Errors made in fear won’t be held against you. If Braun doesn’t know and he does something to negatively impact his dynamic with you—tonight is a damn good example—he will not forgive himself or you. It’s unfair to put him in this position when he has no idea you’re innocent.”
“He doesn’t have to know. Once it’s over, once he’s fucked me,” Bodie said awkwardly, her brain flashing back to images