for a few moments, searching for a confirmation to my doubts, but I found none. He was always so hard to read.
It didn’t stop my wondering, though.
“True,” was my one-word reply.
“I’m sorr–”
“It wasn’t your fault,” I interrupted him, shaking my head. “And it’s no big deal, anyway.”
“No big deal?” he asked, surprised. “You mean it didn’t hurt you? To be taken as a less-than-good person, without you doing anything to give the person judging you a bad impression of yourself? It doesn’t hurt at all to know that only because of your faith someone will always think less of you–no matter what? It doesn’t hurt, Princess?”
My eyes moved between his for a second, perceiving, observing. I swallowed thickly, “I guess it does.”
It wasn’t news to me that I’d hurt the prince more times than I cared to admit since the day of the wedding, but it was out of my hands. I wouldn’t lie and say I didn’t mean it, because I did. I meant to hurt him. It was just that…God! I couldn’t believe how similar I was to…the queen.
Yeah, to the queen of all people.
But it wasn’t like that with me; I didn’t judge a person because of their race or religion. The girl that was as close to me as anyone could get–my assistant–was African-American. A very decent number of my employees were Jewish or Atheists. I didn’t have anything against different races or religions. Or…did I? No, of course not. It was only this particular religion that I had a problem with. And I had my reasons. I did. I wasn’t like her…no, I wasn’t. Or…was I?
Good God!
The prince nodded, “I know it does.” And that hurt more than what we were talking about. “So, I apologize for what my mother said to you,” he said. “I won’t justify her actions because there is nothing that could justify that, but I do hope that one day you can forgive her and realize what a good woman my mother is.” I had to hold back an eye roll at hearing that.
“She is,” he insisted, as if he were able to read my mind and knew his words were unbelievable to me. “She’s a queen, she’s responsible for lots of things in this kingdom, and it’s a lot. Her biggest dream was–is–for me to be the next king after my father. Our marriage almost ruined everything for her, threatened this dream and the possibility of it ever happening. She’s already had everything planned for me, even my bride. She just wants someone to blame, and her blame–unfortunately–is misplaced; it should be directed at Yoseph, not at you.” He sighed. “This still doesn’t justify her actions, but I hope it helps you understand her reasoning a bit, Princess. She’s just upset and overprotective, and she’s not the only one who feels betrayed.”
The way the prince was talking, I really couldn’t understand how he did it, or how he was able to comprehend all of those things. His words about his mother–how did he understand her so well like that? How was he able to convince me to understand all of that? It was really strange. And above all, I wondered how he was able to understand me that much.
He knew I felt betrayed.
And again, I found out that I had more in common with the queen than I’d ever imagined.
The biggest question that was roaming inside of my head was, was this why he was treating me this way? So nice, so kind and so…caring? Was I really just like everything he’d just said about his mother? Because it felt like it. It felt like his words were all about me, along with his mother.
Was it only because I felt betrayed that I was treating him this way? Hurting him over and over again? Was my cruelty towards him misplaced, just like the queen’s blame? Was I really mistaken when I blamed him for everything that was happening to me, while there were other people I should be blaming, especially since I knew he wasn’t really the one to blame?
There was a ‘yes’ brightening in my mind behind each and every one of those questions. And it wasn’t easy to take in. It was saddening and embarrassing at the same time.
I pressed my lips together into a tight line, then I nodded. Because I understood. Most of the things, at least. To a point.
I only hoped that the prince would’ve told me as well, that if I found it