days I wish he was around, so we could argue about my decision. I want him here, fighting me for choosing myself over him. I never told you this, but before he died, I was getting ready to start my own company—in San Francisco, to be close to you. My plan was to leave Denver behind, and start my dreams alongside you. We fought every single day, and a few days later he had a heart attack.
I carry that guilt. What if I hadn’t done that? Would he still be around? He died upset that I was an ungrateful son, just like Sterling.
I wish he could be here and say, “Son, no matter what you do, I love you.” But he’s not, and I don’t know what he’d think of everything that I’m trying to accomplish for myself.
I mourned him, but I think I never really accepted that he’s gone. You’re right, what our parents do affects us in many ways. Dad put so much pressure on me and treated Sterling so badly that I just tried my best to be who he needed. The day I tried to stand up to him, his life crumbled and mine hasn’t been the same since.
Sterling had it right all along. He learned to find his passion and built his life around it. I want to be like my little brother. For the past few months, he’s been my rock. I have no idea where I’d be if it weren’t for him.
I hope this reaches you by Halloween.
Wes
PS. Please keep telling me how you’re doing. Your words are the closest I’ll be to you until you come back.
November 1st.
Wes,
Thank you so much for the gummy bears. You didn’t have to. It was a nice Halloween treat. I’m so flattered to be the recipient to your first letter. You’re not disappointing Will. He’s proud of you and the man you became. You’re not responsible for what happened to him. Your dad didn’t take care of his health and lived under a lot of stress. He was sick and hid it from all of us. Who has myocarditis and doesn’t tell his family? Please don’t blame yourself for something you had nothing to do with.
Slugger surprised everyone didn’t he? He seemed like a rebel, but the guy was just following his heart. I’m so happy that you’re doing the same.
I’ve been checking the stocks, trying to find Ahern Inc., hoping it’s on top. But I’m guessing from your letter that it’s not happening. Whatever changes you’re making, they must be good—perfect even. You’re the kind of guy who can conquer mountains without sweating or losing any sleep. I wish I could be a little bit more like you.
So in control.
I envy your confidence and determination. One day I want to have those qualities. I tried, but back then it was just an act to keep you close. I wasn’t thinking about what Abby wanted or needed, but rather what you and your family would want from me in order to stay a part of the family. For the first time since my grandmother died, I felt safe and cherished. Now I have to analyze what part of that Abby is real and what’s not.
The lengths we humans go to for approval are impressive. Of course, I’m not the only person who’s become someone else in order to receive a little love. Everyone in this world is just looking for acceptance. Self-love is hard to achieve when we’re too busy searching for approval from others. Meanwhile, we miss the chance to get to know ourselves.
This place reminds me of Tahoe—our magical haven. There’s something about the lake and being sheltered among those trees that brought me a sense of peace. I wish you were here. You’d love watching the stars at night. I’ve been told that sometimes we can see the Milky Way from here when it’s bright enough in the dark sky. It makes me want to go to Iceland.
The ambiguity of wanting to be somewhere else with you and yet, never leave this center, is insane. In truth, I really miss you and our adventures.
One of my biggest goals is to be able to enjoy life and find my happy place. Traveling will have to wait for quite a while.
I hope you’re doing all right.
Love,
Abby
November 3rd
Wes,
I had a nightmare. They still keep coming in sequences of two a night, sometimes three, unless I refuse to sleep after the first one. Tonight, I woke up