time I went out on a date,” I say rolling my eyes.
As of today, I still have the first condom he gave me. It was just too fucking weird to use it. I couldn’t tell him no thank you, I have a box. My first time was at fifteen, and I already knew all about condoms and not knocking up the girl.
“His sex talks were annoying,” Sterling groans.
He’s right. Dad was uncomfortable and honestly, they were awkward as fuck.
“Your thing goes inside her, but you have to be careful because you can hurt her. Make it meaningful.” Sterling tries to imitate Dad’s voice. “Thank fuck I’d had sex way before he said that shit or I might still be a virgin.”
“Why?”
“Because sex is like bungee jumping. If you overthink it, you’ll never do it.” He shrugs.
“That’s a strange comparison.”
“Well, if I’d have known that I’d hurt Kara—that would’ve fucked with my head,” he mentions his first girlfriend. “Back then I was an idiot who would do the impossible just to make her happy. I wouldn’t have made a move if I was afraid that I wasn’t good enough or that by doing so, I’d inflict pain.”
He presses into the clay harder. I remember Kara. She was his first kiss, his first love, and I’m pretty sure she’s still his kryptonite. They seemed so in love until they hated each other just as fiercely. He changed so much after they broke up.
“Remember when Mom caught me milking the moose,” Sterling releases a loud laugh, waking up the dog who’s sleeping close to his feet.
He’s sweeping his feelings about Kara under the rug.
“We don’t pet the lizard in the media room,” I imitate Dad’s voice, giving him that same angry glare.
“He never told me not to watch porn,” Sterling grins.
“I miss him,” I say grabbing a glass and pouring myself some milk.
He continues molding the clay while staring at me. “I always wished I had a relationship like the one you two had.”
Sterling’s face sags. “We never understood each other. Sometimes I hated him and hated you too,” he confesses.
“Because I wasn’t his son?” I cock a brow unsure of how to react.
“No, I never thought about it like that. You are one of us.”
“Then why?” I set down the empty glass of milk and cross my arms listening to him.
“I wanted him to accept me and for you to support me even when I fucked up.” He presses the clay tighter, his forehead wrinkles. “You just saw me as your annoying little brother, and you always agreed with him when he criticised my life.”
He takes a deep breath. “You made me feel like I was a fucked-up kid who never belonged.”
I laugh at the irony because all my life I worked hard to please my parents. It wasn’t a competition against Sterling, but I knew that no matter what he did, they’d always love him more. I had no idea where I stood.
“Did you ever think that I felt like I was walking on a tight rope afraid to fuck up?”
“You were perfect,” he says.
“I wasn’t, and it was fucking hard to be what he needed. But I had to be, or he might just treat me like shit or kick me out of his house. I wasn’t his real son.”
He drops the piece of clay in his hands and his gaze flies to find mine. Those eyes, dark green just like Dad’s, observe me for several minutes.
“Fuck, of course you thought that. If he treated me like shit he would be worse with you, wouldn’t he?”
I nod once, shoving my hands inside my pockets.
“Sorry, I just thought … fucking hell.”
“Dad was hard on you because he was afraid,” I confess what I’ve known all along.
“Afraid?”
“Of your freedom. You didn’t need Dad because you were your own person since you were little, Slugger. But he believed if you turned out to be like him, then you would depend on him.”
He remains silent for a few seconds, nodding several times while working.
“I loved him, but at some point, I wanted to be as far away from him as possible. He didn’t understand me or give a fuck about my art.” He lifts the unshaped piece of clay. “This is me. My heart and my soul. I do as I want with it and share it with the world. You should try it.”
How ironic, my little brother giving me life advice. I’ve been so wrapped up in my father’s world that I lost