without flinching.”
“It’s a lot to process,” I say to defend myself.
“My theory is that you’re only with me because I’m easy to please. I don’t demand much. You need someone who can adapt to your time constraints and needs. A woman who doesn’t mind the amount of time your work demands from you.”
“Abby, what are you saying?” I’m fucking confused.
“We both need a healthy relationship. One that isn’t codependent but free where we can pursue what we love. You changed when William died. The light inside you dimmed, and you aren’t even doing what you love.”
She’s telling me how to live my fucking life? How about her?
“Abby, we’re finally together. You can’t possibly already think that you’d be better without me.”
“Can you hear yourself?” She raises her voice. “My choice isn’t about you. It’s about me. You can’t possibly think that I can live the rest of my life hoping that you’ll keep me afloat. I have to learn how to swim.”
“But I care about you so much,” I insist.
Can’t she see how much she needs me? And what am I supposed to do without her?
“We can’t be together just because we care about each other. I want to be with someone who loves me for who I am and what I do.”
Panic jabs at my stomach. “I love you,” I declare saying the words she needs to hear so she’ll stop ripping my heart from my chest.
“You’re saying it now because I’m asking for love.” She talks faster, desperately, as if she only has one chance to convince me or convince herself that it’s over.
“You can’t dictate my feelings.” I fight her. How can she just throw away what we have?
“I’m not, but I’m not sure if what we have is actually love.” She glances at her hands as she talks. “Love should feel real, not forced. It should be everything you’d ever want. The most addictive substance known to man. The sweetest candy you could ever taste. A sugar rush that can elevate you higher than any mountain you’ve ever explored.”
Her eyes find mine. “I don’t think either one of us feels that way. How can you say you love me when you don’t even know me? I live pretending to be who you want. I don’t even recognize myself anymore.”
“You’re saying that I don’t love you because you don’t love me.”
“If anything, I adore you, Weston Ahern,” she says, her chin quivering. “I’m just too confused and scared. I’m hurt.”
“We can fix it. Why are you pulling away now when you need me the most?”
“I need to say goodbye because there’s not enough fight inside me. Because in order to become my true self, I have to learn how to stand on my own. I don’t know when I’ll get to that point, but I’m going to fight for myself.”
Hopelessness forms a pit in my stomach, and I feel a twist deep in my heart. “What am I supposed to do without you?”
A lump clogs my throat, and I can’t continue.
“Make the most out of life.” Her voice is light, sweet, and yet so sad. “Live every moment like it could be your last.”
“Abby, you don’t mean this.”
I feel as cold as death.
“Wes, I have to go to treatment because right now I don’t want to be here or anywhere, I just don’t want to exist,” she says firmly, despite trembling in despair. “If you care for me, you have to let me go.”
And fuck if I don’t love her with all my heart. I kiss her forehead, and I march outside the room, allowing myself to fall apart only when I get to my car.
Five
Abby
Three months later
Two weeks after Shaun abducted me, I left for Esperanza’s Home. The place was founded by Luna, the woman who saved me, along with the partners of HIB and some of their friends. The primary patients are the victims they rescue. She wants us to recover, to thrive once we leave this place. I love the name. Originally, she wanted to name it Casa de la Esperanza which means House of Hope. But Esperanza’s Home is catchier.
The treatment center is in Washington state, near the Oregon border. The place is surrounded by tall pines, green vegetation, mountains, and wild animals. It’s a refuge, a secluded place where I’m able to find peace every day.
I attend individual therapy daily and group therapy three times a week. Physical and occupational therapy are twice a day. They have plenty of activities to keep