My fingers are too clumsy. It’s frustrating because I have the mobility, but my fine motor skills suck. One day I might try to learn again, but for now I’ll just focus on painting. It’s calming and easier to accept when it’s not perfect. Beauty isn’t always flawless.
Thank you so much for the socks. They are fuzzy and warm and the best present ever. Thank you for the books and the candy. The peppermint bark is already gone. Tell your mom that I appreciate the gesture. In case you’re wondering, I haven’t spoken to her yet. One day I’ll send her a letter and explain my silence to her.
Why are you so quiet? You sent the package with the Christmas card, but I could tell that Anita signed your name. Felt impersonal. Are you upset at me? I hope not.
If I don’t write before the New Year. I wish you the best one so far. May all your wishes come true.
Love,
Abby
January 1st
Abby,
Since the first time I met you, there’s something about you that called to me. Your soul, your heart, or maybe it was your pain. The first day that I made you laugh it was like the heavens opened and the sun shined. You’re the sun, and I orbit around you. You’re so fucking important, and yet I screwed up my priorities when it mattered.
When I learned what happened to you, I had a hard time processing it. Then, Shaun took you right from under my nose. I’m not in a good place, so forgive me if I don’t write to you. Please be patient with me and don’t think that I’ve abandoned you. I’m trying to find myself under a pile of rubble. When I couldn’t reach you and felt useless, my entire existence lost meaning. I broke into a million pieces, and I can’t seem to find them to put myself back together.
Everything would be so much easier if you were here. Life is meaningless without you. This year has to be different for both of us. I believe that we are resilient and have dreams. I’m moving on. Not forgetting about my old life or you, but accepting that who I’ve been for the past six years wasn’t who I wanted to be and that you’re out of reach.
That day in the hospital I didn’t understand what you meant when you told me to chase my dreams. Fall in love with your life before you fall in love with someone else. I’m still cracking that code, and when I do I hope that you’re close by, so you can be that someone else. You took my heart with you, and I don’t want it back. I trust you’ll keep it safe. Maybe one day you’ll come back to me.
Missing you,
Wes
January 7th
Wes,
Remember that it’s always you and me. The two of us. I’m with you in spirit just like you’re with me. If you need me, reach out. I might not be able to help much, but I’m a great listener. I’m so happy to learn that you’re daring to go out and fall in love with your life. If you happen to finally fall in love with someone, know that I’ll be happy for you. You deserve happiness, love, and a life full of dreams.
You’re the best thing that’s happened to me, and I hope you’re not the last. I’ll treasure you and save our memories close to my heart.
Love,
Abby
February 13th
Wes,
Happy Anti-Valentine’s. I wish you were around to celebrate with me. The holiday where you refuse to go out on a date. Ever. Will you ever break that strike?
I hope not. It’s so much fun to celebrate with gummy bears and action movies. The year when we played ‘would you rather’ with Sterling was so much fun too.
How are you Weston Ahern?
I miss hearing from you.
Love,
Abby
February 20th
Wes,
Thank you so much for the champagne and daiquiri gummy bears. I received them just as I was heading to therapy. It was nice to have something to munch on during that hour. Though, the flavors you sent sparked a different kind of conversation.
I discussed with Rose (that’s my therapist) my alcohol consumption. Since my trip to England, there hasn’t been a day that I didn’t drink at least a glass of wine or a cocktail. I used alcohol to mask the shame and be bold and free. It gave me courage while I was drinking it. Not that alcohol gave me any freedom. If anything, I felt like I