her feel better. “Are you hungry? I could—”
“I just need some time alone, Jude.”
“Yeah. Okay.” I nodded because what else could I do? She obviously needed time to process what had just happened and had figured out that I was the last person who could help her do that.
I’d failed her.
I stood on the sidewalk and I watched her walk away from me. I was still watching as the front door of the building closed behind her. Our apartment was on the second floor, and I looked up at the blue Christmas tree lights shining through the sliding glass door. I waited for a light to come on inside but it never did.
“You fucked up,” Brody said, coming to stand next to me as I kept my silent vigil outside the apartment I shared with my fiancée. My fiancée who had been ten weeks pregnant. I’d gone to the doctor’s appointment with her two weeks ago. We’d listened to the heartbeat. I’d seen our baby on the monitor and I’d vowed to be the best father I could be.
Lies. Broken promises.
Who had I become? A man who wasn’t to be trusted. A man who broke his promises and couldn’t be counted on.
“You’re so fucked-up right now, I don’t even know what to say.”
I laughed bitterly. “You think I need you to tell me I’m fucked up? You think I need you to point out the obvious?”
“I don’t know what you need but you can’t keep doing this to yourself and everyone around you. Whatever is going on with you, this shit is eating away at you. You’ve gotta find a way to deal with it.”
That was rich coming from him. “The same way you dealt with your shit? Suddenly you’re Dr. Fucking Phil?”
He just shook his head, disgusted with me. “If you need me, you know where to find me.”
I didn’t need him. I needed Lila. And I needed to find the guy I used to be and get him to talk some sense into this asshole masquerading as Jude McCallister.
Climbing up the stairs to the second floor, my footsteps were as heavy as my heart. When I unlocked the door and pushed it open, the chain prevented me from opening it, therefore denying me access to the apartment and to Lila. Guess that told me everything I needed to know. I could climb onto the balcony and get to her that way, but that door was probably locked too. So I sat outside the apartment, my back leaning against the door and I waited.
I kept thinking about the Christmas presents I’d wrapped and put under the tree last week. I needed to get rid of them before she opened them.
Hours later, the door opened but the chain was still on. I was just grateful that she was willing to give me this much. More than I deserved, that was for damn sure. I scooted over and leaned my shoulder against the wall next to the door so I could talk to her through the crack.
“Jude?”
“I’m here, baby.”
“It hurt. It hurt so much.”
I looked up at the ceiling and rubbed my hand over my chest. I wasn’t sure if she was talking about the physical pain or the emotional. Both, I guess. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry you had to go through that alone. I don’t—” I cut myself off before I made a lame excuse. She didn’t need my pathetic excuses. They wouldn’t change anything. Words were empty without actions to back them up. “Tell me what I can do for you.”
“I don’t know.” She hesitated a moment. “Just talk to me, I guess.”
“You want me to stay out here?” I hoped like hell she’d at least let me come inside and sit next to her. Hold her. Do whatever I could to try and comfort her.
“For now. It just makes it easier to talk to you.”
I winced. Then I asked the question I’d been thinking since I’d read the text. “Was it something I did? Did we lose the baby because of me?” I steeled myself for her answer. I deserved every bit of her wrath and anger and blame.
“It wasn’t anything you did or anything I did. The doctor said it just happens sometimes.” She was quiet for a few seconds. “I wanted that baby so much.”
“I know.” Me too.
“But I think... I think I wanted it for the wrong reasons.”
“What do you mean?”
She took a deep breath. “In the back