carry everything on their backs. So on top of being in rough terrain, they were carrying upwards of a hundred pounds. He said he’d gone for weeks without dry boots because they’d been wading through mud and thigh-high water.
It sounded like hell on earth. But he’d never complained about any of that.
I stumbled and Jude grabbed my elbow, catching me before I fell. His reflexes were lightning-quick and even though it felt like he was a million miles away, his steadying hand reminded me he was right next to me.
“Keep your eyes on the road, Rebel. Stop looking at me.”
He hadn’t used my nickname in a while and stupidly it gave me hope. Like we would be okay just because he’d used his childhood nickname for me. “I can’t help it. You’re just too pretty,” I teased.
“Pretty,” he scoffed. “I’m a lean, mean fighting machine.”
“The fight is over,” I reminded him. “You’re home now.”
“Yeah. Home.” He said it like it was a dirty word that left a bitter taste in his mouth.
I stopped running and put my hands on my knees, leaning over to catch my breath. Sweat dripped from my forehead into my eyes and made them sting. We’d already run three miles and he’d given the impression that he wasn’t planning to slow down or quit anytime soon. But more than that, it felt like he’d just sucker punched me in the gut. He’d once told me that I was his home and now he sounded like he wanted to be anywhere but here.
He came to stand in front of me. “You okay?” He sounded reluctant to hear my answer.
I wasn’t okay. Not even a little bit. I straightened up and wrapped my arms around myself as if I needed to protect myself from him. “I miss you, Jude. I miss you so much.”
He laughed like that was a joke. “I’m right here. Standing right in front of you.”
“Are you though? Are you really here?”
He crossed his arms over his chest and his jaw clenched. I couldn’t see his eyes behind his dark sunglasses, but I’d be willing to bet they were narrowed on me. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
I stared at a two-story dark green farmhouse surrounded by live oaks that blocked the sun. Was that why the grass wasn’t growing around that house? The house sat on a patch of dirt surrounded by scrubby bushes. A tire swing hung from the branch of a tree and an Irish Setter sat on the porch, wagging its tail. Like he was happy to be home. A wave of sadness and longing washed over me, and I couldn’t swallow past the lump in my throat.
I missed my childhood. Our childhood. Our summertime. All the sweet and beautiful moments we’d shared. I missed Jude and Lila, the way we used to be. But I didn’t know how to put any of that into words he’d understand. The old Jude would have understood but this cool, aloof man standing in front of me would attempt to laugh it off.
“I love you, Jude, and I’ve loved you for so long.”
He huffed out a laugh and scrubbed his hand over his buzzed cut. “I love you too. Where is all this coming from?”
“I don’t know. I just feel like...” My shoulders slumped. For five long years I’d waited for him. For five long years I’d counted down the months and days until we could be together again. And now that he was here, it felt like he wasn’t really here at all. “You’re so far away. So distant. And I don’t know how to talk to you anymore. I feel like I can’t tell you anything because I’m worried it will upset you or make you angry.” As soon as the words were out, I instantly regretted them. I’d said it all wrong.
He put his hands on his hips. “What do you need to talk to me about?” I heard the accusation in his voice. “Are you saying you want to end things? Is that what you can’t tell me?”
“What? No. God. Why would you even think that?”
“Oh hell, I don’t know.” He threw his hands in the air. “Maybe because you haven’t even told me you’re planning to start your own business with your little friend, Christy. You wanna talk? How about we talk about all the shit you’re keeping from me.”
“I’m not keeping anything from you. I’m the one who told you about the business. That was me, Jude. But I