really did feel loved me, and even if we fell out, he was always there and . . . now he’s not, and there’s a big hole and I can never tell him I love him, or that I’m here, getting treatment, and . . .’
‘Oh Electra, I’m so sorry,’ Fi said, and I realised there were tears in her eyes too. Which made my own waterworks start all over again.
‘And, like, all the sisters, they were grieving for him too,’ I said, ‘and I guess I thought that they all felt they had more of a claim on him than I did, because they knew that we fell out and I hadn’t been around, and I just felt excluded all over again.’
‘Your relationship with your sisters is something else we can work through if you want to?’
I nodded, blowing my nose hard. ‘Yeah, why not? We’re covering all bases, aren’t we?’
‘I’d also like you to think about whether you feel there is a connection between the relationship you had with your sisters, and how you gravitated towards an already established group of girls when you went to boarding school. You could have singled out a girl who might have made you a best friend, but perhaps you were used to being in a pack?’
‘Hey, I never thought of it like that before, but yeah, you could be right.’
‘And that the natural relationship you’d had with your siblings all through your childhood made your expectations of the new group you were joining unrealistic.’
‘You mean I expected them to love me and accept me because my sisters did? That I was blind to who they really were?’
‘Perhaps. Well now, think that one through, and that is enough for today,’ said Fi, looking at the clock. I saw that, amazingly, we were three minutes over. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, but Electra, you’re making amazing progress.’ Fi stood up with me, then held out her arms to give me a hug. ‘Seriously, I’m proud of you.’
‘Thanks,’ I said, and hurried out before I burst into tears all over again.
‘I’m going to miss you so much, Electra,’ Lizzie said as we drove out of The Ranch on Saturday (the first time I had done so since I’d arrived nearly four weeks ago).
‘Hey, we’ve only just passed the gate and we have a whole day together, remember?’ I said, feeling dazed as we hit the open desert road.
‘Yes, and I must enjoy it,’ Lizzie agreed. ‘I feel like we’re those two women in that film – what was it called? Thelma and Louise. That was it! Have you ever seen it?’
‘Maybe. Wasn’t it about two women who stole things and then drove their car over a cliff?’
‘That’s the one, yes,’ Lizzie giggled. ‘Don’t worry, I hope our little adventure won’t come to that, although it did feel like you were making the great escape.’
‘It’s crazy, having to check out for the day so I won’t sue them if I fall off a horse!’ I laughed.
‘But you will go back, won’t you?’
‘Yeah, course I will, I’m not quite finished there yet, but I’m getting real close.’
‘Hopefully you’ll know when you’re ready, unlike me, who had to be kicked out. These places can get addictive, you know, especially to addicts.’
‘It’s not just being at The Ranch for me; it’s this!’ I said as I opened my arms wide, embracing my surroundings. ‘I feel so free!’
‘So do I! Woo hoo! Let’s ride!’ Lizzie put her foot down and the powerful open-topped Mercedes sped us through the incredible Arizona landscape. The air shimmered with heat and tall cacti sat jaggedly in the orange earth, their arms reaching up to the blue sky. Brilliant golden flowers ran riot through the rough green bushes that gripped the desert sand, and I could see the odd rabbit scurrying to safety as our car approached. I’d previously pictured deserts as empty landscapes, but this was teeming with life and colour.
‘It’s always reminded me of Africa – the red dust and the wide-open spaces,’ said Lizzie. ‘Have you ever been there?’
‘No.’
As Lizzie drove, I thought again about Stella and the story she had started to tell me about the woman called Cecily who had fled to Kenya when her fiancé had dumped her. I had no idea how her story was related to mine, but I had to presume that it was. That probably meant that Africa was where I had come from. Which was maybe why, if Lizzie said Arizona was like Africa,