I lose track. They spoil her to death to make up for the fact that both of them have new lives now.’ He winced. ‘I think that’s why she’s being so difficult. I was hers and she was mine for four years. I guess that’s why I’ve been trying to be gentle with her. Despite all her front, she’s desperately insecure. She wants to be the centre of someone’s universe.’ He buried his head in his hands. ‘God, Jess. I feel so guilty, but I’m so angry with her as well.’
I knew how he felt, but he didn’t deserve to feel like that; he had tried to do the right thing.
‘Sam, her insecurity is her problem. You can’t be the solution.’
‘You know she was never the centre of my universe. I thought I loved her but,’ he paused and turned to me and lifted a hand to cup my cheek, ‘it was nothing compared to how I feel about you.’
I swallowed and looked at his handsome face, my heart expanding in my chest at the tenderness softening those blue eyes.
‘I love you, Jess, more than I thought was possible. And that makes me feel guilty, because if Vic feels about me one tenth of the way I feel about you, then she must be dying inside.’
‘Oh, Sam.’ I was too choked to speak. I laid my hand over his, blinking back tears. I had to work hard to get them out past the elephant-sized lump in my throat but finally I was able to say, through an unromantic sniffle, ‘I love you too.’
‘She’s not going to come between us. I promise you.’
‘No. We won’t let her. I think I know how she keeps finding us. Your phone. Find My Friends. Remember we talked about it before.’
‘And I forgot about it. Shit!’ Sam’s vehement curse startled me. ‘Bugger.’ He yanked his phone out of his pocket. ‘Christ, I’m an idiot. I meant to check it before and forgot.’ Head down, he pored over his screen. ‘Shit! Still active.’ With an impatient finger he jabbed at the screen, waiting for the icons to wobble before stabbing at the little cross to delete the app altogether. ‘No wonder she kept “bumping” into us. I thought it was odd when we were in the Robin Hood with Bel and Dan. None of them ever go there. Never. God, I’m sorry, Jess. I should have thought of it before.’
‘It’s OK. It’s not your fault.’
‘Yes, it is. And I should have been tougher before. I’ve been too worried about her feelings. Well, that stops now.’
‘You were feeling guilty.’ And I had been as well, but I was starting to reassess things. The sliver of memory of my mum telling Dad he’d never see me again made me wonder if she’d been at fault in some ways, like Victoria making things difficult with Sam’s mum, his friends, and deliberately causing trouble.
‘I was, but this has pushed me into furious. She’s obsessed and for the wrong reasons. I don’t belong to her, but she has this warped view that I do.’
‘Grief hits people in different ways,’ I said gently, as one of so many images of my mother, with wide, unfocused eyes, blank-faced with despair, stole into my head. Those I remembered only too well, but the self-destructive, burning up, incandescent rage just like Victoria’s had only surfaced today. I swallowed, pushing it away, not wanting to give it time or space.
How would Sam have described my mum when she’d descended into near madness for a while when my dad had left?
‘Don’t be too hard on her. She’s obviously suffering at the moment. We can afford to be kind.’
Sam let out an angry huff.
‘We can,’ I insisted, even though inside I was finding it almost impossible to balance the scales – what I’d gained against the hurt caused.
‘You’re … something else, Jess Harper. Kind, compassionate and strong. You are the best person I know. That’s just one of a million reasons why I love you.’
I felt battered and bruised when we pulled up outside Mum’s neat, tidy, and unimaginative home. The sight of the evenly spaced subdued Busy Lizzies in the dry soil on either side of the concrete path depressed me. They looked regulated and joyless. Like my mother’s life had become after my father had left. Flowers were supposed to be abundant and blousy. I smiled. Like the ridiculous bouquet in Sam’s hand.
‘I’m the one who’s supposed to be nervous,’ he whispered in my ear, rustling