ton of stuff I regret later and then my ire evaporates, leaving me as limp and pathetic as a deflated balloon.
‘Yesterday I would have described her as sad, cut-up, hurting and I’d even have erred on the sympathetic. Today I’m going with mental nutjob and I wouldn’t trust myself around her with a large knife.’
‘Let’s go hunt her down. I’ll bring Mum’s Jamie Oliver butcher’s knife.’ Shelley sounded positively enthusiastic and then added in a gravelly, Ray Winston-esque gangster voice, ‘Put the frighteners on her.’ I did burst out laughing at that one.
‘I do love you, Shel.’
‘I love you too, Jess. I’m sick inside at this. Why are people so hideous? So you’re not feeling shagtastic today? I had high hopes for your little vag.’
A little hicoughy sob escaped. My golden afternoon spoiled.
‘Jess. Aw hon.’ Shelley’s voice vibrated with sympathy.
‘I’m OK,’ I said quickly. ‘I’m fine.’ But I wasn’t. It was as if someone had swiped at my glossy, iridescent bubble of sex, smiles and sweetness, and popped all the bright, clear feelings. What had felt so right, so natural, so perfect now felt sordid and wrong. Whether he liked it or not, a big part of Sam still belonged to someone else. A part of his life that I had no claim on.
‘Oh God. Have I made a terrible mistake?’ The coldness in my chest made it hard to breathe. I’d stepped into two lives that had been a pair. I’d halved two parts of a whole and their shared history, their memories and their friendships. I didn’t want to be the other woman. I knew the misery it caused. I’d seen how being left had withered my mother’s soul.
‘Oh Shell, I’m not sure I can do it.’ There, I’d said it out loud.
‘Jess! You’re going to let her win?’ Shelley’s shriek of outrage spanned three octaves. ‘You can’t. Even Mum noticed you were all sparkly-eyed with Sam the other weekend and she hasn’t spotted the tattoo I had done three weeks ago. Although it’s a temporary one; I’ve reapplied it twice.’
‘Shell, she noticed. She’s ignoring it.’ I rolled my eyes, glad my cousin couldn’t see me. I didn’t want to make a comment about the daisy chain of dark-eyed skulls encircling her right ankle.
‘Gah! I thought that might be the case. But you and Sam… Dad was gushing about him. You know he’s a nice guy. This isn’t his fault.’
Hmm, it sort of was, although indirectly.
‘He is a nice guy. A really nice guy but…’
‘But crap! Don’t you dare butt out just because … because of this ex-girlfriend. And this is harassment. And bullying. And what do we do to bullies? We stand up to them. We don’t let them win. What does Bel say?’
‘I haven’t spoken to her.’ And I wouldn’t. Not yet. She’d be horrified by this and get all upset and tearful on my behalf and I was having enough trouble reining in my own waterworks.
‘Promise me, you won’t put the kibosh on things with Sam.’
‘Can’t do that, Shel,’ I said, not prepared to lie to her.
‘When are you supposed to be seeing him again?’ she asked.
‘Tomorrow.’ All the rainbows, sunshine and promise of tomorrow had turned grey.
‘Don’t do anything hasty,’ begged Shelley. ‘Seriously, nice guys don’t grow on trees. They’re few and far between. Did I tell you what Sean did?’
‘I thought you weren’t seeing him again,’ I grasped at the change of subject with single-minded focus.
‘He caught me at a weak moment.’
At her pathetic whine, I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt. ‘Shel!’
‘I saw that.’
‘Good. What did he do this time?’
‘Took me out to dinner. Forgot his wallet, again. This is what I have to put up with.’
‘The difference between us, Shel, is that I’d rather not be with anyone than with the wrong person.’
‘But Sam is the right person. I’m sure he is. Honestly, the two of you go together like…’
‘If you say ramalamadingdong, I will never watch Grease with you again,’ I threatened.
‘Harsh, cous. Harsh. I won’t say another word.’
For which I was truly grateful, as I was torn enough as it was.
Chapter Thirteen
It felt odd bypassing the house that was like a second home to me and somehow disloyal not calling in when I was so close. As I stood at the front door of Sam’s parents’ house, about to ring the bell, I glanced to my left, to the tall hedge, through which was my aunt and uncle’s back garden. They might even be sitting out on the