about work; he knew all about Holly and her snarky observations that getting a regular shag was making me unbearably perky and could I stop glowing like a flaming lighthouse because it was bloody irritating. He knew about the Slater family, about Cathy and Jake, and the Townsends. He knew how we struggled for funds, scrounging everything from carpets, shampoo, dressing gowns and toys through to books and shoes. I knew the names of the children in his class, their foibles and their favourite lessons.
After the Facebook-skank episode and I’d checked – hell yes – I’d checked that Victoria had taken down the offending (and quite frankly libellous) post, I’d given social media a double-decker-sized wide berth.
He winced.
‘It’s difficult. The cricket club. It’s—’
‘It’s Victoria’s place,’ I said calmly and reasonably, although inside my head a small insistent voice was saying that it wasn’t fair. None of this was my fault. I wasn’t the baddie here.
He winced. ‘It’s going to take some time. She’s still … raw.’
I didn’t want to sound like the jealous girlfriend. Besides, I wasn’t jealous of Victoria. I had nothing to be jealous of; I had this gorgeous man in my bed, sharing my breakfast most mornings and texting me silly questions throughout the day. But I asked the question anyway.
‘Was she there today?’
He nodded and the word glum summed up perfectly the downcast expression on his face, a dampening of the essential happy Sam-ness.
I squeezed his hand. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘What are you sorry for?’ I flinched at the sharp bite of his words, even though the words absolved me. ‘None of this is on you, Jess.’
‘I’m sorry that she’s so upset, and that you have to face her.’
‘I hate that she’s hurt. I hate that I did that. And I hate that I can’t take you up there.’
Like picking at the scab, even though I knew I’d regret peeling it back to the raw wound underneath, I had to ask. ‘Was she OK?’
I didn’t have to ask him to be honest – another thing I loved about him. I wanted the bare-bones truth.
‘She wanted to talk. We walked around the boundary. She still wants to know what she did wrong. Why after four years I don’t love her anymore. What changed. We went round and round in circles. She cried. Wants me back.’ The short staccato sentences hid a wealth of pain. ‘She’s asked me not to bring you to the club.’
‘Oh,’ I said.
‘Jess.’ His face crumpled. He wasn’t used to being the villain; it didn’t sit well. I wasn’t exactly thrilled with it either.
‘I’m stuck whatever I do. I’m letting you down if I give in to her, but she’s … so … heartbroken. Says she can’t handle it.’ He eased away from me and threw his head back against the pillow. ‘Why, why is it so bloody complicated?’ His fingers worried at the frown lines on his forehead.
‘What do your friends say?’
Again, that guilty look which told me so much.
‘They … well … we all go back a long way.’
Those Instagram pictures of happier times floated back to the surface in my brain. Shared history. Intertwined friendships and loyalties. Of course his friends were predisposed to dislike me. They didn’t know me. I’d rocked the boat, and snipped off a strand of the network. I understood it and I wasn’t going to be that difficult girlfriend, demanding and shrewish. It wasn’t my style – but a small, selfish part of me, of which I felt deeply ashamed, was cross.
‘It will get better, Jess, when they meet you and see what a great person you are, but we have to give it some time.’
‘I know.’ A great big hand squeezed my heart gently but persistently.
‘It’s Jen’s birthday this week, Jen from work, and she’s having drinks after school. I’d really like you to come and meet everyone there.’
‘OK,’ I said, feeling a little like I’d been tossed a bone.
‘Don’t be sad, Jess. It’s just a bit delicate at the cricket club.’ With a careful kiss, he traced my mouth with his lips, softly and thoroughly, an apology and a promise. ‘This is for keeps. I’ve never felt like this before.’ He let out a mirthless laugh, ‘If only I could just explain,’ he clasped my hand to his heart, ‘how you make me feel. The words aren’t big enough without me sounding like some complete cheesy sap. Mike did ask me why, and whether it was it worth it. The aggro with Victoria. He can’t understand.