"I just need to know who I'm going to be fucking miserably jealous of because she scored big when she snagged you."
U'dron blinks at me. He swallows hard, his thick neck working. "R'ven, I have not resonated to anyone."
I stare at him in surprise, open-mouthed. "But you said we can't be together. What other reason is there?"
He flushes and rubs his ear, looking away. "It is…a private matter."
I slap his arm, suddenly irritated. "Will you just fucking tell me? I've all but screamed to the world how much I like you. I've been stewing on jealousy for the last twenty-four hours because I thought you'd resonated to someone else. The least you can do is tell me what the hell is going on, don't you think?" I spread my hands. "I'm hanging all my dirty laundry out to dry, aren't I?"
U'dron looks miserable. He rubs a hand over his jaw, then lets out a heavy sigh. "I…have a secret."
My gut churns. Shit.
For a hot moment, I forgot that I have a secret, too. A bad one. One that will make him hate me if I share it. "Maybe…maybe you tell me yours and I tell you mine? We can keep it to ourselves."
Now he's the one that looks surprised. "You have a secret?"
Oh boy, do I. I chew on a fingernail, debating. "I…might have fudged a few things about my past."
He swallows hard again, his Adam’s apple working. "This is my problem, too."
"Will you share it with me then?" I hold my pinky out. "We can promise never to tell another soul." If he doesn't hate me after tonight, I'm quite willing to keep his secret for all time, whatever it is.
U'dron taps my pinky, clearly not sure what to do with it. "I worry you will no longer respect me or look at me with desire when you find out my secret." He rubs his ear, his tail agitated and flicking against the sand.
"Yeah, well, that makes two of us." It's not as if I have the world's most innocent secrets, after all. If I tell him and he shares with the others, I'm going to be in deep shit. "If you don't want to share, I understand."
"I want to tell you." His mouth quirks into a wry smile. "And at the same time, I do not."
Boy, I can relate. "Do you…want me to go first?"
"Do you want to go first?"
"No." I huff a laugh. "I don't want to go at all. Maybe we should paper-rock-scissors to say who has to spill first."
"I do not know this pay-per-hock-is-ors," he admits. "What is it?"
I chuckle. "It's a hand game, kind of like the one I showed you earlier, and it's used to solve stupid arguments." I smack my palm with my fist and then lay my hand flat, showing him “paper.” When he immediately places his hand over my “paper,” I laugh. "It's just a silly thing and a stalling tactic. If you really want me to go first, I will."
For some reason, knowing U'dron has a secret that's making him twitch and sweat makes me feel a little better. It's silly, but I kind of feel like I have my best friend back. Like we're on the same page again. I feel close to him, and some of the anxiety eases from my chest. He came after me, after all…and he hasn't resonated to someone else.
So I take his hand in mine. "I guess I'll go first, but you have to promise not to tell another living soul what I'm about to tell you."
The look he gives me is utterly grave, his fingers warm and callused against my own. "I will keep your secrets, R'ven. This I promise."
I lick my lips, suddenly nervous. The hot peanut butter stuff in my stomach churns, and bile creeps up the back of my throat. I know I'm making myself freak out, but I can't help it. If I'm cast out of the tribe because my secret gets out, what kind of life is there for me? Wearing leaves and scavenging like poor Juth and Pak? I take a deep breath and immediately want to back out. I can't do this. I can't. "I…I…I…"
"I will go first," U'dron tells me gently. "Then you can decide if you wish to share yours or not."
Tears prick at my stupid eyes because he's being so nice and understanding. "I kinda hate that we have to have this talk at all. It sucks."
"Believe me, I would love