everyone.”
“You truly think losing their leader on top of everything else is for the best?” I demand. “You’re merely wallowing in your own self-pity. You’re blaming yourself for everything that went wrong because it’s an easy out. I thought you were the kind of person to see something through to the end—but you’re only running away.”
“Jay,” Al hisses.
It’s not as though I don’t understand. Lai’s lost her arm and one of her oldest friends, has been unconscious for three days, and has barely been awake for ten minutes. However, I can’t just ignore this. If I don’t speak my mind now, what if this new resignation sets in? What if she truly begins to believe what she said and steps down?
This isn’t the Lai I know. The Lai I know would never give up so easily. She’d already be asking for details on what the Order’s been doing to recover and giving new orders to help it move forward. She’d push herself despite her injuries until we all forced her to rest. That’s who she is. That’s what I love about her.
But now, Lai won’t even acknowledge me. She keeps staring down and remains silent.
I’ve been holding everything inside me together these last few days for her—for the hope that she’d wake up, that we could keep moving. Now, something inside me breaks.
I stand up. “Clemente and Peter told me they wanted my help when I was available. I’d better go see them.”
When Lai still doesn’t speak, I leave without looking back.
I don’t make it far down the hall before Al’s voice follows me, asking me to stop, and then her hand catches my upper arm and makes me stop.
“Jay,” she says. “Look. I get it. But right now, we need to stick together. Lai needs us. She needs you most of all—you’re one of her biggest supporters. She could use some support right now.”
“Yeah.” It’s only one word, but it’s hard to get out. All I can think of is how easily Lai just gave up—how she wouldn’t even look at me.
“So?” Al asks.
“I don’t think I can do this right now, Al.”
“Of course you can. I know you can.”
I meet Al’s eyes, but it feels like a mistake as soon as I see the trust burning there. I have to look away. “It’s just—Lai is how I always wished I could be. Strong. Confident. Determined. I … I thought she was invincible. Not that she couldn’t be defeated by anyone but that she’d keep going no matter how many times she lost. Seeing her just give up…”
“She’s only human, Jay,” Al says gently. I’ve never heard her speak that way before. “We all have our moments when we want to give up. And she just lost a lot at once. Of course she’s hurting. Of course she thinks it’d be better to stop now before she loses anymore.” She puts a hand on my shoulder. “That’s why she needs us to remind her there’s still plenty to keep fighting for.”
It takes several heartbeats for me to corral everything inside me under control. Finally, I sigh. “I need to apologize to her.”
“Nah,” Al says. “I think it’d mean more to her if you explained why you were so upset. C’mon. Let’s go back.”
27
AL
I DRAG JAY back into Lai’s room, but only about a minute has passed, so everything’s the same. Erik’s head snaps up when we walk back in, and relief practically rolls off him like smoke. Jay doesn’t say anything as he stands by the door, but at least he’s here. The last thing we need is for our team to fall apart as soon as it’s together again. Especially when Lai needs us so much right now.
“Lai,” I say. She doesn’t look up at me. I need to get her back on her feet—or at least stumbling on them. “What do you think the Order’s next move should be?”
“I don’t know.” Her voice sounds as tired as she looks, but there’s a hard, mean edge to it. “I don’t know anything anymore.”
“Because of one loss?” I ask. “Don’t get me wrong, it was a terrible loss—you lost your arm, your friends. That’s hard. I get that. But you lose badly once, and suddenly you don’t know anything? Come on, Lai. You’re tougher than that. You’ve been through a lot of shit and never given up. Why is this time different?”
She doesn’t answer right away, but I don’t get the feeling she’s not going to reply, so I