have their friend back.”
“You’re suggesting Erik return to the rebels?” Jay demands. It’s not exactly every day you hear Jay lose his cool, and him getting angry for me makes me kind of happy. It also makes me relieved to hear he wasn’t in on this crazy idea. “You can’t be serious.”
Lai holds up a finger. “If Erik went back, he’d have the chance to learn more about his past. Right now, we don’t have any idea how to get his memories back—but he could at least talk to the people who used to know him and who could give him clues. More clues than he’ll get by just sticking around here.” She holds up a second finger. “And he could act as a spy for the Order and tell us what the rebels are up to.”
I don’t know what throws me off more. The blunt truth about the dead end I’ve hit for finding out about the past I can’t remember coming from someone else’s mouth, or the idea that Lai wants me to risk my neck spying on the people who apparently used to be my friends. Cal comes to mind. The way he looked up at me, how happy he was when I asked about our past friendship. Something like anger boils in my blood. She’s seriously saying I should go back just so I can help her stupid Order? Despite everything that would mean for me?
Luckily Jay speaks before I can. I don’t know what I would’ve said, but it wouldn’t have been good. “Lai, that’s insanely dangerous. If the rebels caught Erik, he’d be killed—and that’s assuming they’d even accept him back in the first place. We need to stick together if we want to stop this war, not separate for suicide missions.”
“We have nothing on the rebels right now,” Lai says. She lifts her chin that way she does when she’s digging in her heels about something. Which is almost everything. “We don’t know where their bases are, their numbers, the weaponry at their disposal, what they’re planning—we don’t even know what they stole from those warehouses. For all we know, it could be a weapon dangerous enough to destroy the entire sector in one go. We have a shot at getting a pair of eyes and ears inside not only their troops but their core of leaders.” Lai looks at me again, and this time, she keeps her eyes locked on mine. She has to know what a mess my thoughts are, but she doesn’t show it. “Ellis said you used to be her right-hand man. I know her; she can’t stand losing those close to her. She’ll want things between you to go back to how they used to be. Which means she’ll keep you close by and well informed, as you would have been before. And she’ll tell you everything you want to know about your past because she’ll want you to remember.”
When I don’t say anything, she says quietly, “I know how it sounds. I know it’s incredibly risky—and selfish of me to even ask. But this could be a chance to turn the war before it’s even really begun. It gives us an in, and it gives Erik a chance to learn more about his past. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”
That last question is for me, but now I’m the one who can’t look at her. Because even though it is ridiculous, risky, and way too thin a plan, and even though I’m mad at her for trying to use me for her own purposes, I can’t deny the flare of hope that jumped up my throat when she suggested it. I’d already been thinking about the rebels and my options when I came back tonight—and Lai knew it. She’s giving me a way to get what I want without betraying our team or the innocent people the rebels are out to kill.
But there’s no hiding anything from a mind reader; I don’t have to look at her or speak for her to know exactly what’s going through my head. And from the way Jay pulls back, I get the feeling he’s sensed something in me with his gift that’s giving him a pretty good idea of where I stand right now, too. Johann just watches me without saying anything, and even though she doesn’t have a gift that lets her into other people’s heads or hearts, I realize she knows this is probably what I want, too.