says forcefully. “You couldn’t have known.”
“Shouldn’t’ve gone,” I whisper. Jay’s face is losing focus again. “Alvaro. Sierra. Markus. Hugh. Maya. Ori. Fiona.” My breath catches in my throat. I didn’t think I was crying, but Jay gently wipes tears from my cheeks. “Fiona. Fiona.”
I cry. I cry like I can’t remember ever crying. Not even when Paul was killed. Not even when Luke died. The pain in what remains of my arm can’t compete with the weight crushing my chest.
Everything is abruptly starker and more real than it’s ever felt. Like everything up until this point was just a video I was watching, occasionally directing, but mostly keeping my distance from on the other side of a monitor.
I can’t stop crying. For once, I don’t try. There’s too much. Everything washes over me, and I struggle to keep my head above it all, to keep breathing, because each gasp for air is a thousand pieces of shattered glass scraping against the inside of my throat down into my lungs, piercing through my chest.
Jay holds me close to him. The warmth of his body is too much, too hot, burning me, but I don’t pull away. Then Al is hugging us, too, and Erik’s arms wrap around us all.
As I dissolve into my grief and pain, it feels like they’re the only things keeping me anchored in this world.
26
JAY
IT TAKES SOME time for Lai to calm down. Once she does, she looks so exhausted I’m somewhat surprised she doesn’t go straight back to sleep. But she sits up and leans against the wall. Her eyes watch us, but they’re flat. “How long?”
“Three days,” I say. I still can’t believe she’s awake—she’s okay. She’s alive. It pushes away my exhaustion better than sleep could. “Things are keeping together relatively well. Clemente and Peter have taken over with reorganizing and getting supplies from around the sector for those who were injured. Everyone’s doing what they can.”
“And Ellis?”
“The rebels haven’t moved since they ambushed us.”
“They might’ve dealt us a heavy blow, but we took down a good number of them, too,” Al says. “It’ll probably take some time for them to recover before their next attack.”
Lai doesn’t say anything.
“So?” Erik asks. “What now?”
Lai blinks at him like she doesn’t understand.
“I mean, what’s the Order’s next move?” he clarifies.
“Erik,” I say in soft warning. “She just woke up.”
“No,” Lai says. “This is important. The Order can’t wait for me. It shouldn’t have to.” She takes a moment. I wonder if talking so much is hard for her right now. She looked like she was in a lot of pain earlier. My gut twists at the memory of her screaming, struggling to breathe, crying uncontrollably. Most of her minor injuries have already healed into scars, adding to her extensive collection, but even with a Nyte’s extraordinarily fast healing, her arm must be in agony. I wish there was something I could do to take away her pain.
“I’m resigning as leader of the Order,” Lai says.
We all stare at her. No one speaks right away.
“What?” I finally croak.
“It deserves someone better than me.” Lai’s eyes are on her hand, her fingers twisted into the sheets of her bed. “Someone who won’t lead them into the ground.”
“Lai, that’s nonsense—”
“I can’t fight like this anyway.”
“Lai!” I shout. Erik and Al both flinch, but Lai doesn’t so much as glance at me. That she refuses to do even that cuts at me. “Lai, you can’t take all of the blame for this on yourself. And even if it was your fault—so what? You’re just going to give up and walk away because the Order suffered its first defeat?”
She doesn’t reply.
“This is war.” I feel my voice getting hotter the more I speak, but I can’t stop it. I don’t want to. “You knew what this would be like going in. Did you think the Order could get by without a single loss? Were you really that conceited? And now that things didn’t go exactly as you planned, you’re just going to quit? Abandon all the people who are still relying on you?”
“What am I supposed to do?” Lai snaps. Finally, something like life returns to her eyes. Even though I’m angry, that spark pushes relief through me. “Who’s going to follow me after I led everyone straight into a trap? I couldn’t even take down Ellis. They all lost friends; so many of them were there—they’re not going to believe in someone so weak. This is for the best for