She looks up at me and smiles. I’ve never seen her expression so gentle. “Thank you for everything, Jay. You’ve always helped me, even when you knew I was keeping things from you.”
My heart scrapes up my throat. “That sounds too much like a goodbye.”
“It’s not,” she says. “But, well. Just in case. I wanted you to know how much I—”
“No.” I put my fingers over her lips. “Tell me after all this is over.”
Her mouth rises into a smile under my fingers. “Yeah. Sure thing.”
“Lai, you got a minute?” Peter calls from some distance away. He’s with Clemente, Syon, and some of the captains. Syon’s and Clemente’s presences radiate discontent. The two of them are very reluctantly remaining behind to watch over the rest of the Order. They’ve made it clear they’re unhappy about the situation, but Syon is too young, and one of the leaders had to stay. Since no one could convince Lai to stand down, the responsibility fell to Clemente.
Lai and I share a glance. “I’ll be right back,” she says.
“Yeah.” It’s difficult to get the single word out and even more so to watch her leave. Everything is going to be okay. We’ll both make it out of this.
When I finally force myself to look away from her, I catch sight of Father nearby. He’s lingering, waiting for me to notice him.
I hesitate. His previous burst of concern surprised me. I don’t particularly want to talk to him right now, when there’s so much going on and I’m still uncertain how to deal with him. However, there’s every chance this could be our last opportunity to speak. If anything were to happen to me during this battle, would I really want his last memory of me to be me walking away from him? I can at least give him some peace of mind. I can do that much.
He barely waits until I’ve reached him before he says, “Are you sure you’re going back out there? So soon—after what happened last time?”
“This could be the only chance we have,” I say. “If we can’t stop the rebels here, now, the sector will be lost. If they decide to aim for the dome and manage to crack it, all the ungifted will die within minutes. You know that.”
“I do. But I would rather it wasn’t you who was going out to fight.”
“Doesn’t everyone wish it were someone else?”
“Sometimes, I’m not so sure you do.”
His comment takes me aback. However, when I think about it, I realize he’s right. I don’t want to transfer this responsibility to anyone else. I want to do this myself. I want to fight for what I believe in—and protect the people important to me. Lai. Al, Erik. My friends in the Order. Even Father.
“I’ll be as safe as I can,” I say when I can find no other answer. “I don’t have a death wish.”
“I know.”
I hesitate. I still haven’t fully decided what I want to do about Father yet. I don’t know if I want any kind of relationship with him. I haven’t forgotten everything he did when I was a child. I still recall the exhilarating sense of freedom when I realized I no longer needed anything from him during that Order screening. I’m not sure I want to give that up. However, this all seems like something I can decide if—when I return. I can at least part with him on good terms.
“I’ll see you when I get back,” I say. That feels safe.
He also hesitates before answering. “Yes. I’ll see you soon.”
We hug, awkwardly and briefly, before I pull away.
I don’t look back as I head to where Al and Erik are checking their equipment. They’re both in their old officer combat uniforms with their red strips of cloth tied over their armor, the same as Lai and me. Whereas Lai’s is tied around her upper left arm and mine above my right knee, Al wears hers around her neck and Erik around his right wrist.
Al’s eyes lock on me immediately. “Everything okay?”
Her concern makes me oddly relaxed as I join them in double-checking my equipment. “As good as it could be, I suppose.”
“Glad to hear you’re as optimistic as ever,” Erik says. “You’re going to have to fill me in on the details with all that once we get back, by the way.”
I laugh. Over the course of the past few days, I’ve realized just how much I missed Erik—in some heartbeats, it feels as though he