dealing with my pain.
We don’t understand how our bodies work, how we think, or why we are even here. If those questions are unanswerable, I realize there are so many more that are, too. But we pretend like things are figurable (I know that’s not a word but please let me use it because it’s perfect here). Remnants of feeling must be in all the cells.
We are much bigger and more complicated than I thought. That’s what I really wanted to say in this essay. That’s the crux of what Hamlet tells Horatio. It’s something we should all embrace. I’m trying to, but I get stuck in smallness and worry and pain. I hope I can house other things in places in my body besides those negative ideas. I hope magic, peace, and laughter get stowed away in me, and if anyone ever gets a piece of me from a transplant, they can benefit, too. I hope that is my legacy even if I don’t fully understand how it may come to be.
*MARV MISSIVE*
Letter from Marv to me
How are things, Danielle?
*MARV MISSIVE*
Letter from me to Marv
Do you think everyone has a Sisyphean rock they shove up a hill day after day?
*MARV MISSIVE*
Letter from Marv to me
Danielle, I think we all do at some point in our lives. I think we push that thing up every single day until we get tired of it and we stop.
*MARV MISSIVE*
Letter from me to Marv
Okay. Thanks, Marv.
*MARV MISSIVE*
Letter from Marv to me
You don’t have to push the thing alone forever either.
*MARV MISSIVE*
Letter from me to Marv
I know. I’m not.
*MARV MISSIVE*
Letter from Marv to me
Okay. That’s good to know.
*AUNT JOYCE E-MAIL* 5/8
E-mail to Aunt Joyce
Forever Aunt Joyce,
Did you watch The Big Lebowski? Come on, woman! You are taking forever to get back to me.
Obsessed Danielle
*AUNT JOYCE E-MAIL* 5/9
E-mail from Cool Aunt Joyce
Danielle,
Yes. Saw it. Loved it. Will take you to Lebowski Fest. Start planning your costumes. I’ll have them made for you two. I will be going as a White Russian. We have a little time so you can obsess over your choice. I know you will.
Your Forever Aunt Joyce
*DANIEL E-MAIL* 5/10
E-mail I write to Daniel on my laptop after I finish my economics test early
My economics teacher is an unapologetic capitalist. I am not amused. We took a test today on the benefits of a market economy—quite frankly, the whole idea eludes me, and I’m not even sure I think a market economy or capitalism is a good idea—but anyway, there were advertisements for clothing stores and soft drinks on the test. I thought maybe I was supposed to use them in some answer or write about them in some way so I asked him about them. He said they were there because he had entered into a contract with those companies to advertise on his tests. WTF?
I have to admit that I started getting thirsty during the test and wanted a soda, which is just bullshit and shows how soft my mind is. I know teachers aren’t paid what they deserve, but making money from tests by trying to sell us crap we don’t need is bullshit. I think I just have to write off Mr. Richardson, and I kinda thought he was cool. Please advise.
*DANIEL E-MAIL* 5/10
Daniel writes back to me from his phone but he gets suspended because of it, which makes me feel super guilty.
That guy is completely unDude. You have to write him off. Do you know the slope formula, by chance?
*ME-MOIR JOURNAL* 5/15
My descent into sin, debauchery, and illegal activity. I swear I won’t do this again, but I must admit the road to hell was paved with more fun than I anticipated.
It is with deep regret that I report the first part of this journal entry because I got Daniel, my only friend, in trouble at school because I e-mailed him about my consumerist, opportunistic economics teacher and he responded (as friends are required to do), but then he asked me about the stupid slope formula, which isn’t relevant to life except that life is one big slippery slope, and then he got suspended for cheating and using his phone in class. Arrrrggg! I didn’t even know the damn slope formula, so I don’t see this as technically cheating because there was no payoff, but “intent” is key here, as his administrators put it.
Daniel said he would just deal, which is the only thing to do in these cases. But then he said he wanted to get