kids did, and I knew the point of it. Everybody decided we would play, and no one kicked me out or anything, so I was included. James got chosen first and I wasn’t even paying attention because I was lost in my own mind thinking about how amazing it was that a boy I could maybe kinda like (maybe even instead of Jacob) was in a hotel room with me. I was jolted back to reality after I must have unconsciously uttered “dare” when my turn came.
Keira said, “I dare you to kiss that guy you brought in here.” Keira lifted her shoulders up to her ears and gave this tight-lipped smile, and the whole gesture said, “I’m helping ya, girl.”
My heart totally pounded. I had never kissed someone. I didn’t have any idea how to do it. But Brian got this look on his face that let me know he was willing to try. The whole room got silent because I know that they know that things this big and wonderful don’t just happen to me. Even though it was kind of weird to be kissed in a gross hotel room in front of a group of kids who don’t like me, I was still shaking with excitement.
A big part of me wanted everyone to see that I could be kissed. That I had lips on my face not just to bite when I was nervous and to eat too much with or to speak with occasionally. I, too, had lips on my face that could be kissed. I wanted them to see that. And they did. I don’t think I was very good at it or that it was an earth-shattering, Mr. Darcy/Elizabeth-on-the-windy-heath-at-the-end-of-the-book kiss, but it was my kiss in the musty, dirty, paint-peeling, broken-down hotel room that was a metaphor for my life. It suited me. I was fine with it.
Brian moved slowly toward my face, and as he did everyone else receded into the background. For once, everyone else was in the background of my life instead of me being a pathetic extra in theirs. For this brief moment, I got to star in the scene. It would have been more exciting, I’m sure, if I were a more filmic player, but some things can’t be helped.
Brian kissed me softly, the way I imagined a kiss should be from a boy. He didn’t stay long, but it was long enough for me to feel warm and safe. I closed my eyes after he finished and hoped he liked it, too. My heart was racing as the game continued, but I didn’t let that show on my face and I didn’t talk. My voice would have come out in short, breathy stops that would belie the facade of calm I was desperately trying to construct.
Again, my mind drifted off somewhere until Heather drinking water from the toilet brought me back to the game. After Heather, it was Jacob’s turn. She asked him “truth or dare?” Jacob, of course, chose “dare.”
Heather said, “J-man, here’s your dare: feel up Danielle outside her shirt.”
“Heather!” Keira said as she looked over at me.
“What? You’re worried your man will leave you for good after this? Hard-ly.”
Keira just stared at her, and Jacob shrugged it off and gave Keira a quick hug.
There was a general snicker to set the stage for the event. There was a specific chill that ran down my spine. Jacob won’t do this, I insisted inside myself.
“Remember, you don’t do this and you have to drink toilet water.”
“I know the rules, Heather,” Jacob said as he got up from where he was sitting. He looked at me directly. To apologize for what was coming? To warn me? I don’t know. Keira looked down slightly and held her hands in her lap. Jacob walked over to me and knelt down almost as if to pray. He didn’t look at me. He looked away to his right. But he did it. He reached his hands out and put them over the T-shirt I was wearing, and which I will never wear again because I burned it in a lawless act outside the hotel room after this happened. He grabbed me where the dare insisted that he grab. It wasn’t sexy. It wasn’t warm. It was creepy and gross and everything terrible in one small gesture.
Brian got up and said, “Well, shit.” And then he left. He obviously didn’t know I was the chicken with blood on me in the henhouse. He