incident.
When dinner was over, Mom excused herself to go to her own therapy appointment while Dad worked out at the office gym. (God, what is it with my family? Every single one of us has a therapist and a myriad of self-help regimens! I have no idea what my dad even talks about in his therapy because he seems so together all the time, but he goes.)
I was alone in the house with Daniel. I had never been alone in my house with a boy EVER.We went into the living room because Daniel brought Harold and Maude for us to watch together. Daniel had no idea how much I love this movie, but he loves it, too. We sang along to the sound track, and I cried a little at the end, but so did Daniel. “Don’t look at me,” he half joked. “Leave me alone with my rich emotions.” And then I punched him in the arm and that led to him dragging me onto the floor where we wrestled and tickled each other until we were exhausted.
When my mom came home, she made Daniel call his mom and say he was spending the night. It was a school night, and I don’t know how our parents let this happen, but he stayed, and he slept on my couch and so did I. I fell asleep for the first time in a boy’s arms. As I started to close my eyes, I stared out at the entire San Fernando Valley through our big living room window. The dark, starry sky was the perfect blanket for us; the mysterious universe snuggling us in. I don’t know why my mom didn’t wake me up and make me get into bed. I don’t know. But my dreams in those hours were so soft and lyrical. I dreamed I was lying on a giant soft pillow that swallowed me and gave off oxygen. The farther I buried my face in it, the more life I felt.
When my mom woke us up at six, she gave Daniel towels and walked him toward the shower. He dressed in the clothes he came over in, but he looked cool. We ate fruit and toast and talked about how we had to face Lisa and the rest of the misfits tonight in social skills class. We decided we’d pretend we both went to the rock concert that his stepfather was at last night, and therefore, couldn’t hear anything from tinnitus and couldn’t speak due to our screaming-induced laryngitis; but Lisa would have to be thrilled as we had “made a social date.” My mom packed him a lunch (which I just loved), I hugged him good-bye, and my mother drove him to school while I stayed home and started this journal. I have never loved my mom so much. However, I don’t want to mischaracterize anything. I’m still profoundly miserable.
*ME-MOIR JOURNAL* 4/12
Another Journal about Daniel
Daniel came over one more time before I went back to school. He actually volunteered to go to Meadow Oaks and pick up all my homework from the front office so I wouldn’t get too behind; there isn’t that much school left and I can’t jeopardize my college options. Daniel found me in my room reading, and he looked around at all my stuff.
“Holy crap, Danielle. I can’t believe you’ve read all these books.”
“How do you know I actually read them?”
“It’s obvious. All the pages are dog-eared and the covers are all worn. Oh my God, you’re a genius.”
“Oh, but I wish,” I said.
I showed him my letter from Justine. He thought it was awesome. “She is wicked wise,” he said and “you are lucky to be friends with someone who has been alive a long, long time. But you know what I like best about her? The fact that she likes you. ’Cause that club, the digging Danielle club—we’re the shit.”
I threw my arms around him.
“It’s true. I have good taste,” he said.
He insisted we call each other when I got back in school to make sure I’m feeling “copacetic” when I’m in class with Jacob. I’m glad he set that up because back at school, after fourth period, I ran out into the quad and called him.
“I was just in English with him. It was really hard. Looking at him makes me sick to my stomach.”
Daniel said, “Abide, sister, abide.”
“Abide what? Him?”
“Yes! Abide it all. Him. The situation. Endure it. Withstand it.”
“I’ll try, but I’m afraid I might puke.”
“Well, if you