and for whom school was a war zone.
*Essay assigned by me to me to vent my frustration* 4/18
Why Must Things Like This Always Happen
Danielle Levine
English 12
Ms. Harrison
Period 4
In English class today, I was staring out the corner window and found myself taken in by a little hummingbird fluttering among the huge branches of the tree that grows outside our second-floor classroom. It was gray and for a second I wondered if this was the hummingbird my mom called Spaulding. It made me chuckle, and I wasn’t paying attention when Ms. Harrison announced our groups for the day. Keira yelled my name to break my trance, and that’s when I found out my group consisted of me, Keira, and Jacob. Need I write more? Do those three names not clearly address the title of this essay I assigned myself? Even though I like Keira, it’s really hard for me to be around her and Jacob, especially since they found every excuse to touch each other in between discussing the assignment, which was to brainstorm-as-a-group possible ideas for a “poignant and passionate” essay entitled “Why I Stand Out.” I thought “murder-suicide in front of your classmates” would fit the bill, but I kept that idea to myself.
I was completely infuriated that Jacob just talked to me as if everything was as it always was—which it frickin’ was for him because his moo-ing in my face had no impact on him at all!!!!!!!!!! (There aren’t enough exclamation points in the world, believe me.) And I realize that I am tragically flawed because I can’t just get over this easily; that I can’t let it all roll off my back; that I can’t figure out how to be like the Amish who can forgive so easily. Dear God, right now, can’t you teach me how to do that? What kind of God designed a world where things and people you find value in eventually hurt you?
I really wish someone could give me a clear, cogent response to that question.
During the course of our little perverse brainstorming session, Jacob said to me, “Danielle, why don’t you write about how you have red hair? That makes you stand out.”
Yes, and why don’t I also add to this winner of an essay how I’m fat! Ah, Jacob, Ye of the genius literary mind.
He told Keira, “Hey, babe, you should write about your tongue. That stands out.” She hit him, thank goodness. That let out a little steam from my desire to bludgeon him.
I logically see what a jerk Jacob can be, but that doesn’t seem to be enough to get my body from having charged feelings for him. OMG, I could solve the energy crisis with the feelings this guy stirs up in me!
To make matters worse, at one point, Keira said, “Danielle, do you have a date to prom? Because Jacob has a friend who wants to go, and he’s like just a little chubby but super nice. Do you want to go with him?”
“No, but thanks. I’m going with my boyfriend.”
What the hell was I thinking? I don’t know, but now I have to remember to ask Daniel to be my pretend boyfriend for prom.
I hate my crazy emotions, and I hate the God that made this emotional chaos possible. Oh, and I tangentially hate the teacher who put me face-to-face with the object of all my conflict. During class, I heard my father’s voice say, “Danielle, work is the antidote for worry.” This was a little past worry, Dad, and trying to work in that situation was impossible. I didn’t come up with any good ideas for that ridiculous essay.
*ME-MOIR JOURNAL* 4/23
Daniel and I watch The Big Lebowski
Daniel and I stayed up too late on Friday night and watched a movie he insisted I see. It was called The Big Lebowski, and he said if I watched it I would learn to abide in the proper way, and I would laugh heartily, which I did. The movie was revelatory.
First off, I saw that people have problems that never even occurred to me. Cutting off your toe to make money is beyond nuts. Also, I had no idea that people take bowling so seriously. It was really an obsession with these people. Beyond all the craziness, there was something so enticing about this film. It may be that it had mythic elements, which is something we are talking about in English right now.
Myths are these universal stories that come about and last and last over