was unsure of what to say or do. His eyes were shut, and he was wincing against an invisible blow. For a moment I could feel him slipping away, into a heartbreak that was both enormous and private.
I put my hand on my chest. Was my heart breaking, too? I didn’t know. I missed something, longed for something I couldn’t quite name. I got up and walked into the surf up to my ankles. I stood still and quiet in the ocean mist. The water was warm, but a deep chill passed through me. Was it ghost girl making contact? Was it Nina trying to tell me something? Was it the part of me that she’d promised would stay on Nantucket leaving my body and stepping into the night air?
“It was different,” he said. I turned, surprised to see Zack standing so close. I hadn’t heard him approach.
“Good different?” I asked.
“Good different,” he said.
“Oh,” I said, smiling. “Well, that’s good. Especially since, you know, the other girl was French and everything. Historically speaking, I think the French are the best secret lovers.”
“Well, she had nothing on you. With you, I was like, okay, this is it.” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck. There were those flutters. The sparking. The humming. This was not a broken heart. It was alive and jumping. I thought he was crying for a second, but when he pulled me closer I realized that he was actually laughing.
“What?” I asked. “What’s funny?”
“I don’t know,” he said, facing me and brushing the hair out of my eyes. “A few minutes ago I was going to break up with you.”
“Why?”
“I thought I needed to in order to, I don’t know, deal with everything.”
“I don’t want to break up,” I said. I had come this far. I had marched to Fitzy’s house despite being told no one wanted me there. I had stood up to Jules. I wasn’t about to hide my feelings now. “Do you?”
“No,” he said. “I’m just so confused.”
“What would the worry doctor say?” I asked.
He thought about it for a minute. Then he took a deep breath and said, “She’d say, Zack, life is messy.” He was speaking in a British accent.
“She’s British?” I asked.
“Australian,” he said, but continued in the British accent. “She’d say, Life is full of conflict and complexity. The loss of your mother is going to be very painful, and I’m afraid you’re going to have to go through it. And it will hurt.”
“Of course.” I nodded. A twist of pain.
“But I’m also hearing that you’re in love,” he continued. “And love is a rare and wonderful thing. There is nothing in the world that feels better.” He took my hands and dropped the accent. “So maybe I’ll just feel both at the same time.”
“I want to be your girlfriend, not just your secret lover.” I had never had a real boyfriend before.
“Me too,” he said. “I want that, too.”
And then we kissed. Our kissing was urgent and sweet. It was mixed with laughter. We stumbled backward until we were up to our knees in the ocean, until the bottom of my shorts were wet. When we finally stopped kissing, I looked up at the sky. There were so many stars out there. Packs of them in swirling, looping galaxies. You can’t see stars like this in a city, not like you can out here on a rock in the middle of the ocean.
Feelings find each other, I thought. Let one in and the others follow. At that moment it seemed that all our feelings were shimmering above us, around us, in a new and stunning constellation.
Acknowledgments
THANK YOU to my wonderful agent and friend, the incomparable Sara Crowe. I love being on this journey with you and am very lucky to have you on my side. I am so grateful to my editor, the excellent Emily Meehan, for believing in this book and challenging me to make it better. It’s an honor to work with you. A special thanks goes to Elizabeth Holcomb for her careful copyediting, and the entire team at Disney-Hyperion for their hard work and enthusiasm.
Thank you to Kayla Cagan and Vanessa Napolitano for their friendship, wisdom, and guidance as, chapter by chapter, they helped this story grow from an idea into a manuscript; and to Elena Evangelo and Brandy Colbert for their assistance with revisions.
I am indebted to the people who educated me about beautiful Nantucket, especially Eileen McGrath. Not only does she know everything about the island, a half hour in her company is a tonic for the soul. Thank you to the Island Reef Guest House for providing an affordable place to stay on Nantucket while I researched, and to Bob Crowe for his hospitality and generosity. Thanks to Ethan Rutherford for our many conversations about writing and publishing, Richard Rushfield for his insight into journalism, and Melissa Pennacchia Nash for sharing her knowledge of lacrosse.
Thank you to my family: my mom, my dad, Gifford, Maryhope, Elizabeth, and Meredith. I also thank my aunt, Mimi Freeman, for her faith in me from the start. Thank you to all the teachers and friends who have supported my writing over the years, especially Hettie Jones, Alison Singh Gee, Gay Cima, Robert Florin, Jim Hines, Maria Collins, Larkin Hatchett Peters, Paola Fantini, Alice Johnson Boher, Kate Snow, Gina Hirsch, Lisa Bastoni Boucher, Patty Smith, and, of course, Izzy Smith Haring.
And to my husband, my sweetheart, Jonathan Davis. I value your brilliance, humor, and love beyond words. Thank you for everything.
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Eleven
Twelve
Thirteen
Fourteen
Fifteen
Sixteen
Seventeen
Eighteen
Nineteen
Twenty
Twenty-one
Twenty-two
Twenty-three
Twenty-four
Twenty-five
Twenty-six
Twenty-seven
Twenty-eight
Twenty-nine
Thirty
Thirty-one
Thirty-two
Thirty-three
Thirty-four
Thirty-five
Thirty-six
Thirty-seven
Thirty-eight
Thirty-nine
Forty
Forty-one
Forty-two
Forty-three
Forty-four
Forty-five
Forty-six
Forty-seven
Forty-eight
Acknowledgments