into his arms so fast that I’d actually forget to cry. The tears were coming now, so I squeezed him back, hard, hoping to make them stop.
I hadn’t told Mom I was coming home yet. I couldn’t take her sadness. It was so dark and deep, I was afraid, now more than ever, that it’d pull me in and I wouldn’t be able to get out. What if I was like her? What if I became permanently sad? What if the same cloud was destined to hover over my head?
Dad ended our hug with three pats on the back and guided me up the walkway. “Come on, the party is in full swing.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Your Aunt Phyllis is here,” he said. “And so is Uncle Rob.” I was about to ask why Aunt Phyllis, who lived in Maine and only visited at Christmas, was here in Providence, when Dad opened the gate to the backyard. There were llamas in my father’s backyard. Llamas! There were other animals, too. There was a sheep, a goat, and a pig—an entire petting zoo. There was one of those jumpy castles. There was a guy in overalls sitting on a bale of hay playing songs for kids. There was a popcorn maker, like the kind they have in movie theaters. And who were all these people? Was that a waitress serving the punch? The only thing that had come close to this was Mom’s fortieth birthday party, and even that hadn’t included a waitress.
“Oh my god, Dad. This is amazing. What’s all this for?”
“Alexi’s birthday,” he said. “He’s six!”
“It’s so cool that you did all this.”
“Well, it made Polly happy for me to make a big to-do,” Dad said, beaming. “And if Polly’s happy, I’m happy.” There was Polly in a sundress. She did look happy. Her hands were on Alexi’s shoulder. He was watching the guitar guy, riveted. Polly waved to me and I waved back.
“So, Dad, do you notice anything?” I asked, and twirled around in my new jeans.
“A haircut?” Dad asked.
“No! I’m wearing the jeans you got me. My Clovers!”
“Oh, do you like them?”
“I love them!”
“Good. Polly picked them out,” he said. I kept smiling, even as my thoughts were suddenly treading dark pathways. He hadn’t met the Great Birthday Challenge after all. Polly had chosen my present. He had given up on the very last year.
A woman I didn’t know approached us. She and Dad started talking about the special school Alexi was going to in the fall.
“Your father is an absolute saint,” the woman said to me. “An angel!”
“I know,” I said, my cheeks hurting from smiling. One of the goats bleated. Dad didn’t even like zoos. He was allergic to all animals.
“Go put your bag inside, honey, so you can enjoy the party,” he said, and gave my shoulder a squeeze.
“Okay.” I headed into the house. I put my bag in the kitchen and looked for a glass to fill with water. I couldn’t find the glasses. I didn’t know where they were kept. So I grabbed a mug and held it under the tap. As it filled, I looked out the kitchen window at Polly and Alexi.
I watched as Dad brought Polly a drink and put his arm around her. He tussled Alexi’s hair. Polly called Dad her “knight in shining armor,” her “dream guy.” And I got it now. He would do anything for them. He would turn his yard into a zoo. He loves them, I thought as I watched Polly lean on him. He really loves them.
I took a sip of water and found my hand shaking. Dad had traded Mom and me in for Polly and Alexi. We were out and they were in, and it was just our tough luck. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair at all. Those people, those strangers, stole my family. I drank the water. Then I spotted an open bottle of wine. With a shaky hand, I filled the mug to the top and downed it in just a few swallows. My empty stomach seemed to curl around it. A scream sat at the bottom of my lungs, waiting, like a crocodile.
“Hey, honey, you find what you needed?” Dad asked as the screen door slammed behind him.
I turned around and crossed my arms, glaring at him.
“You okay?” Dad asked.
“Eighteen is a much bigger birthday than six,” I said. I hated how bratty I sounded, but the wine had gone straight to my head. I was dizzy and