knew me again.
“Can we talk now?” I asked Zack.
“Yeah,” Zack said. “Let’s go.”
Forty-eight
ZACK WALKED NEXT TO ME with his arms folded over his chest. I told him the whole story of how I’d liked Jay since the eighth grade, and how when you go to an all-girls’ school you do a lot more imagining of boys than getting to know them. I told him that in one way I was sorry that I’d kissed Jay, but that it also helped me realize that my feelings for him were made up and the ones I had for Zack were real. In a weird way, I explained, the whole thing with Jay was what let me fully open up to Zack.
“But it wasn’t just the kiss. He asked you out and you said yes,” Zack said when we reached the Steps Beach rock. We kicked off our shoes and left them by the twisty wooden fence.
“It was what I had wanted for so long,” I said, following him down the steep staircase to the beach. “It was like I thought I had to. But as soon as I saw you, it was so clear how wrong I was. Does that make any sense to you? Can you understand that?”
“I don’t know,” he said when we reached the sand. I wanted him to take my hand, but he didn’t. He kept walking.
“I wish you would’ve answered my calls,” I said. “I wish you’d called me back. Or at least texted me.” I stopped walking. I didn’t want to chase after him. It took him a few paces to notice. When he did, he faced the water. “We had sex, Zack, and you didn’t call me back. It was my first time and you didn’t call me back. I don’t even know how you felt about it. I mean, I don’t even know if it was any different with me.” I tried to gauge his expression, but he gave me nothing.
“I didn’t know what to say,” he said, and bent down to pick up a stone. “Jules showed me all those notes you’d written about Jay, and said you had this whole plan about getting some other guy to like you first so that Jay would notice you.” He shook his head, skipped the stone. “That’s messed up.”
“I wrote that in, like, March.” I walked over to him, my heels sinking into the cool, soft sand. “You could’ve at least given me a chance. Did you really think I was using you? Did it feel like I was using you?”
“No”—he looked into my eyes and sighed—“it didn’t.”
“So, can you accept my apology?” It felt like we were staring at each other for hours, but it was probably less than a minute.
“Yes,” he said. Finally, he wrapped his arms around me. I breathed in his T-shirt; I inhaled his Zackness.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I should’ve called.” I stood on my tiptoes and rubbed his back, but when I looked up at him, he turned his face away.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I don’t know, Cricket. You helped me forget about my mom. But in the past few days…” He shut his eyes. He held his breath. “I’ve started to think about everything I’ve lost.” I pulled him closer. He was shaking. “I miss her. I miss my mom.”
“Me too.” I held him tighter. We stood holding each other for a long time. When his breathing seemed more even, I loosened my grip and looked up at him.
“Want to go swimming?” I asked.
“If we go swimming, I’m going to want you, and I just… Not right now. I know it’s crazy.” He pushed my hair behind my ear and stared at me.
“Do you want to just sit here?” I asked, trying not to let the rejection sting.
“Yeah,” he said. We sat. He flopped back in the sand. A horn sounded.
“Last ferry of the night,” I said.
“People are heading home. Summer’s over.”
I didn’t want the summer to be over. I didn’t want Nantucket to be over. I was going to have to face my senior year without my best friend, without Nina, without the Claytons’ house to run to when I couldn’t deal with my own.
I was going to have to apply to college. This time next year, I’d be heading in a completely new direction.
I lay back next to Zack because, more than anything, I didn’t want this to be over. I wanted to kiss him, but for the first time since we’d started this whole thing, I