climbing in my window was because Jules and I weren’t talking. “It’s like there’s this wall around her right now. And no one is allowed in. No one.”
“Parker is,” I said.
“Parker can’t even see the wall. That’s the whole point.”
“Oooh,” I said. I hadn’t thought about it like that before. It made me feel stupid and better at the same time. Zack put his hand on my sheet-covered foot and started to massage it.
I inhaled sharply. “Zack, we promised. No touching.”
“It’s just a foot,” he said. “A foot under a sheet.”
“Have you done this before?” His hands were strong, seemed to know what they were doing.
“Rubbed a girl’s feet? No,” he said. He looked older than sixteen. It was something about the way his jaw flexed. “This is pure instinct.”
“You might have a future in it.” I wiggled my other foot out from under the sheet. He covered it with his hands, went to work, barely touching my toes.
“Stop,” I said, laughing. But he was grazing my toes even more lightly now, and I tried to kick my feet free. “Stop.” I twisted free, sat up, and grabbed his hands. “Stop.” Our eyes locked, and we sat there staring at each other. He slid the sheet up to my knees, drew little circles on my kneecaps, maintaining eye contact. I watched him register the smile I was fighting. He leaned in and kissed me.
“Zack,” I said, trying to be calm. “We can’t do this. We promised.”
“Just one more time,” he said, smiling. “We won’t tell anyone.”
“But this is it,” I said.
“This is it,” he said, his hand sliding up my thigh.
“And no one can know. Ever.”
“Would you be embarrassed to go out with me?” he asked.
“No,” I said. “Of course not.” But I knew a part of me was lying. I was going to be a senior, and Zack was only going to be a sophomore. “It’s just Jules. She’d be mad.”
“Okay, no one will know,” he said, lying back on the bed.
“We’ll be secret lovers,” I said. I wasn’t thinking.
He grinned. “I didn’t know we were going that far.”
I shook my head, realizing that lovers meant sex. “We’re not. That’s not what I meant.”
“Are you sure?” he asked as he pulled me down next to him.
“I’m sure,” I said as he took off his glasses and his lips found mine. I closed my eyes and saw flecks of red.
Were they the little warning flags Mom had written about?
Twenty-eight
“BEEP-BEEP,” I called out the window of George’s rented Jeep. I didn’t think Gavin or the old lady in the muu-muu who was snoozing in the hammock would appreciate it if I leaned on the car horn. Today was the big interview with Robert Carmichael. I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel, which was hot from the sun. “Beep-beep,” I said again. George told me that we needed to be ready at three o’clock, and it was already 3:10. What was he doing, curling his hair? He waved from his window, giving me the one-minute signal.
I tilted the rearview mirror in my direction. Even though George had assured me I wouldn’t have to hang out at the house, that this was purely a drop-off/pick-up situation, I was still nervous about running into Parker. I wanted to look good. Composed. Liz trimmed my bangs last night, and I had on just a teeny bit of lip gloss and blush. I was already sweating a little through my white blouse with the tiny blue flowers on it. I fiddled with the air conditioner and smoothed my linen skirt over my knees.
I wondered if part of my desire to look so wholesome and put together was to cover up for what I was doing at night. Zack had been sneaking into my room for make-out sessions that were becoming more and more intense. I had two rules: One, underwear stayed on. This prevented sex and other irrevocable acts. Two, no sleeping over. If he didn’t spend the night at home, Jules or Mr. Clayton would definitely start to notice. Each night we said was “the last time,” but the phrase had become a joke. Night after night he appeared at my window with a big grin, even though I’d told him the front door worked just fine.
“I like the window,” he’d said. “I mean, since we’re ‘secret lovers,’” he added in a breathy voice.
“Shut up,” I’d said, and helped him tumble inside.
Last night had felt a little dangerous. We’d fallen asleep for a few