back to him. I don’t deserve Sara, and she certainly deserves much more than me. Why am I still sitting here, holding on to hope? Hope is gone. Is this my family’s curse—to love and never be loved back? I only need to see my broken ballerina one last time to say goodbye. She won’t know I said goodbye and she will always think me a coward, but I’ll see her and know I did the right thing by handing her back to him.
At first, I felt lied to and outplayed by her. She should’ve been the one to tell me that she shared children with him. I never asked her if she was a mother or someone’s wife, I just assumed she was mine for the taking. I just assumed it would be okay to love her. I don’t fancy being like everyone else she fibbed to her whole life. She lied! Even if this was a lie of omission, I still feel lied to and it hurts terribly. But I know that it’s me who made everything much worse for her, like I always do. I’m certain she felt what I felt because her words, or lack of words, may have been a fib but her eyes bared the truth. I should face it that I’m as much of a liar as she is, promising a safe haven and at first sign of difficulty, scurrying away. I did the square thing; she belongs with the father of her children, the one who stayed to fight for her. I’m no good for her. I just pray he looks after her the way a beautiful fragile ballerina ought to be handled…with loving care.
Once I see them walk out together, back to their children, I will allow myself to finally close my eyes on Sara and the delusional fantasy I concocted with her. I am, after all, William Spencer Knight! No, I’m The William Spencer Knight! I am the last fucking Knight left. I don’t need her or anybody else’s love; I have responsibilities and obligations that I should be attending to, for Christ’s sake. It’s time I forget that only hours ago I was a normal bloke named Liam who promised a beautiful girl named Sara a fresh start and a real place to call home. She doesn’t need me; she already has a home.
As the hours melt so does my resolve and I decide that nobody is going to save me, she won’t come running out looking for me. This is life, not Hollywood. I must cease looking for love when it’s all a bloody illusion.
“Mark! Go! I’m ready to leave,” I say to my driver and he drives us into New York City traffic. He takes me farther and farther away from her and it stings like hundreds of knives piercing through me. It becomes tougher to take a full breath in as the distance between us grows. I can’t deny that I’m in pain knowing I have to leave her behind. The urge to cry slowly chokes me. It’s the kind of pain you feel when you’ve done your best and still failed the most important test of your life. I get enough air to say, “Goodbye Sara” out loud to no one in particular but myself. I’ve been thinking it over and over, but saying it to the universe makes it real. I’m doing the right thing; she deserves someone who can say goodbye to her beautiful eyes like a man, not in the backseat of a car to the ghost of her. I am beneath her, just a delusional coward.
“We’re here, Mr. Knight. Your jet should be all ready to go when you are. Have a safe trip home.”
One Month Later
“Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake
“Sara Klein, please initial and sign right here.” My brother points to an empty line at the end of a long contract he’s just spent the last twenty minutes reading and explaining to a room full of attorneys. I sign my name with a shaky hand and look up to see Jeffery studying me before meeting my gaze and looking away. Emily is at my side, squeezing my left hand, which she hasn’t let go of since the moment we arrived. I can do this… I’m not alone.
This has been a difficult and tumultuous month in my life. Not that my whole life has been peaches and cream, but the last four weeks have brought a different kind of pain