eyes for a moment, I listen to his ragged breathing while his heart beats under my hand. What options do I have? I don’t have any. It’s either stay here and figure out a way to get money to move on with my life, or leave now and struggle.
My confused thoughts and feelings don’t relent and the fog that is my mind only thickens with each passing second.
Guilt encompasses me in a relentless embrace as I realise I like having my hand there. I like being in Nathan’s company. I’m not sure if it’s because of some strange attachment issues now his brother’s gone, but I feel it all the same. The broken look in his eyes seems to spark a whole new feeling, a feeling that I want to get to the depth of his brokenness and put the pieces back together.
I’m going against Caleb’s wishes being here. I promised him I’d stay away from Nathan but I had no other choice… or did I? Am I just making excuses so I can be close to the man that looks like my dead lover?
Nathan presses his lips to my forehead and takes a step back. “Get some rest and think on it. If you still want to leave in the morning, I’ll arrange accommodation for you.”
I nod. This is a good bargain to agree to. “Okay.”
“Gwen,” he says before leaving the room. I look up, his broken eyes tearing into my soul. “I am truly sorry.”
“I know.”
He dips his head and leaves the room, closing the door behind him.
What am I doing?
What am I doing here?
Chapter Thirteen
I go to my next doctor’s appointment. Jeanine drops me off and waits for me to finish. I’m not diabetic, I’m perfectly healthy but my baby is going to be huge. The doctor hasn’t confirmed this, it’s just obvious. I’m measuring bigger than I should be. It should cheer me up that the baby is alright, but it doesn’t. My mind is still in a funk over yesterday’s events. I want to go to Mr and Mrs Weston and claw at their faces, hissing and spitting like a cat. I want to scream at them for being so cold and cruel.
I wonder, if like Nathan, they’re taking their grief out on me. Maybe one day we’ll reconcile and my baby can have at least one set of grandparents in his life. It’s such a farfetched thought. They’re awful people. Awful. I mentally berate myself for even hoping for such a thing. If only happy endings existed.
There’s one thing I know for sure - when they realise this is Caleb’s baby, they can kiss their rights as grandparents goodbye if they don’t change.
Jeanine notices my silence and tries to get me talking but I can’t. I just don’t feel like it. She soon gives up but I know she doesn’t hold it against me. I need silence. I’m sure there have been times where she has needed silence too.
Thoughts of Caleb are once again prominent in my mind. It’s hard to deal with. I miss him so much and he should’ve been there for the doctor’s appointment. He should have been there with me, holding my hand and getting excited and reassuring me about how fat I’m not getting, even though we’d both know that I am.
Nothing about this excites me anymore.
I don’t understand any of this. I don’t understand his parent’s hate and anger toward me. This isn’t something I’ve brought to Nathan’s attention before. It’s not something I’ve asked him, but I can’t deny the temptation to. What have I done that’s made two clearly well raised people hate me so damn much?
Why would they cut Nathan off like they did Caleb? Is it truly because of what their mother said? Because Caleb spent his last moments with me?
How is that my fault? Neither of us knew he was going to die.
Maybe it’s the guilt they feel for shunning him and now that they’ve lost him, they wish they could have that time back.
I don’t know.
None of this makes sense.
I feel as though there’s a void in my reasoning. I need closure but I’m not sure what from. Will I always feel this way?
When I finally get back to Nathan’s I’m relieved to see he’s absent, much like he was this morning. I don’t know where he is and I don’t really care. He’s a grown man, he can do what he wants.
As I’m sat at the counter in the kitchen, there’s