pwease. He’s so adorable.
“Come on then.” Grandpa leads him outside. “To the barn.”
“Yes!” Nathan hollers, his little fist pumping the air. “To the barn!” He says this like a superhero and flies forward through the long grass. I can’t stifle my smile at his playful behaviour.
Ah, I get to see the barn which has been burned to the ground.
My suspicions are soon confirmed when they manage to make it to the huge white barn, almost as big as the house. I see Grandpa’s slightly aged hand unlatch a door around the side and push it open. This camera movement is making me feel a little bit nauseous.
“Where is it? Where is it?” Nathan bounces up and down excitedly on the spot just inside of the doorway. The light flicks on, showing how terrible the quality of the video camera from eighteen years ago really was. And this video camera is probably one of the best of its time. Whoever made these videos must have gone to a lot of trouble to convert them onto a DVD.
“You’ll see, but first,” I hear the door shut and lock, “I need to tell you a secret. Can you keep a secret?” The camera focuses on the boy’s face, which suddenly gets serious as he nods eagerly. Why am I suddenly feeling uneasy? Where are the animals in this barn? “Good. You’re very special to me, Nathan. You’re my eldest Grandson. That means when I die, all of this will be yours.”
“All of what?” Nathan asks, his cute nose crinkling.
“My house, this barn, my cars.” Cars? I haven’t seen any cars. Maybe Nathan sold them.
“Cool! Can I have my present now?”
They enter another room. I don’t know much about barns, but I know they’re supposed to have more space than this. This room is a bit bigger than the last and I’m wondering why there’s a bed in the corner. Maybe it’s where the farm hands would rest or stay. There’s a sink too but it doesn’t look to be in very good condition.
Grandpa switches on another light but it’s not very good. I can barely make out Nathan’s face but I can see his white suit perfectly. He looks like a little sailor.
Grandpa moves around and stands by the bed, the camera still pointing at a curious Nathan.
“Ready for your present?” Grandpa asks Nathan, who beams. “You’ll get it on one condition.”
“What?”
Oh my god.
My hand flies to my mouth and tears burn my eyes. I watch but I don’t. I scream but I don’t. I sob but I don’t. I can’t look away and before it’s even over I race to the toilet and vomit.
“Why is your pee pee out Grandpa?”
Oh my god. My body won’t stop shaking.
“Well, to get your present you have to be a very good boy. We’re going to play a very fun game.”
“What game?”
“I need you to do something for me.”
“I don’t think I want to.”
My stomach heaves again but my mind won’t move to something else.
My body is in shock I just know it. Oh. That poor boy. That poor, poor boy.
“Stop! Stop! It hurts! Please stop! DADDY! MUMMY!”
The screams, the cries, the begging. Bile rises again.
I see… everything. I want to look away but I need to see, so I can absorb his pain. Make it so he never felt it.
“CATCH!”
I race into the bedroom and hastily take the DVD from the TV. It feels like fire in my hands. I place it back into the DVD case and tuck it into my coat. I don’t know what I’m going to do with it, but I do know that I can’t just not do anything.
Oh my god. Tears spill, my vision blurs. I can’t believe this.
Nathan.
Oh god. Nathan. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I shouldn’t do it… I shouldn’t, but I need to know if there’s more. Are all of these DVDs recordings of abuse?
I check the few I have, one by one, only glimpsing at each one to confirm.
It takes me a few minutes but I manage to get through the entire stack of them that were hidden behind the skirting board. Only glancing at a few and sobbing when I realise that the last one is of Nathan when he looks to be about eleven.
Vomit comes up again and I barely make it to the toilet this time. The sound of the awfulness coming from TV only makes me feel worse.
My breathing is out of control. My mind wants to shut down and