It’s also the first time she’s ever talked about Matt like that. ‘I’m realising that. But no-one actually knows the whole story yet.’
‘He’s cheated on you. That tells you all you need to know about him.’ Getting up, Cath starts piling dirty plates and glasses into the sink. ‘I can’t understand why you’re not furious with him.’
‘I have been angry. I still am.’ My voice is sharp, but she doesn’t understand my rollercoaster of emotions; how I swing from fear and grief, to shock and denial, to raging anger.
‘You should be,’ she says pointedly. ‘You know more than enough to decide never to have any more to do with him.’
But she’s missing something. ‘Cath. What if he’s dead?’
‘He’s still cheated on you.’ She pauses. ‘Let the police deal with it. Move on. Get over him.’ She glances around the kitchen. ‘I suppose all his clothes are still upstairs?’
I nod, thinking of the clothes left in piles after I finished going through them, as I make two mugs of tea and take them over to the table.
Coming over and sitting down, she shrugs. ‘Get rid of them – put them in the loft or something. Or burn them – he deserves it. If he was about to shack up with this woman, he probably has more clothes at her place. It’s not like he’s ever moving back here. If he tries to, you’re going to tell him where to go, aren’t you?’ She searches my face. ‘He deserves no sympathy whatsoever from you.’
As I sit opposite her, I remember something else she doesn’t know. ‘The day after Matt disappeared, remember you came here for lunch? After you left, I went for a walk and while I was out, someone left a bouquet of flowers on the doorstep. It was massive, wrapped in layers of paper with the stems tied in a water bag – or so I thought. I took them inside, thinking they might be from Matt. Anyway, they slipped off the worktop.’ I pause, recalling the smell that reached me. ‘It wasn’t water in the bag. The police took a sample away. It was a pint of human blood.’
‘Jesus.’ Cath looks horrified. ‘Do the police think it’s Matt’s?’
‘They don’t know yet – they’re testing it.’ I look at her bleakly. So much blood. What kind of person would do that?
She shakes her head. ‘I had no idea what you’ve been going through.’ She pauses. ‘You should come and stay with me for a few days. It would be good for you to get away from here.’
For a moment, I’m tempted. But while so much remains unresolved, it isn’t the time. ‘I can’t – not right now.’
I wait for her to try to persuade me otherwise, but she seems to understand. ‘Amy? You need to keep reminding yourself, that even if the worst thing has happened and he is dead, he’s still treated you abysmally. It’s incredible that you had no idea what he was getting up to. He must be bloody good at covering his tracks. You’d think there’d have been clues.’
‘I know.’ My voice is tight. ‘But I’d always thought I could trust him. That he loved me. I was stupid.’ But as I say that, her eyes shift slightly. Frowning, I stare at her. ‘What have I said?’
But when her eyes don’t meet mine, I know there’s something she isn’t saying. ‘Nothing. Nothing at all.’
In the past, I wouldn’t have questioned her, but with everything that’s happened, my instincts are heightened. ‘Cath?’ There’s a hollow feeling inside me as I ask her. ‘Did something happen between you?’
Cath sips her tea. ‘No. Of course it didn’t. I’m your friend. I was in love with Oliver the scumbag, remember?’
‘You have to tell me.’ My voice cuts through the silence. ‘My entire life has fallen apart. If there’s something you know that I don’t, you owe it to me to tell me what it is.’
‘Jesus.’ Her face is ashen. ‘Alright. I will, because it will help you realise what a complete jerk he is – but it really was nothing. I came round here one afternoon to see you – it was after the first time Oliver hit me. You were out, but Matt was here.’ She pauses. ‘He asked me in – he could see from my face what Oliver had done. He was sympathetic, overly so, but I didn’t realise at the time. Inevitably, I got upset. He seemed so concerned. Then he put his arms around me.’