right. Every time, I’ve drawn a blank. ‘Before I met him, I’d been alone – since Dominic. I’d given up on the idea of meeting anyone. I really wanted it to work. I honestly thought we were good together.’
‘The breakup of your marriage was traumatic, wasn’t it?’ Sonia’s voice is quiet. ‘And now this happens. How does that make you feel?’
‘Stupid?’ I offer, tears filling my eyes. ‘Let down, powerless, unworthy …’
‘It’s brought it back, hasn’t it?’ She speaks gently. ‘But like last time, you will come through this. And you will be fine.’ A frown crosses her face. ‘Tell me – what kind of person is Matt? I mean, is he kind? Considerate? Is he thoughtful towards you – and other people?’
I’m silent, because it’s obvious what the answer is. Why else would I have been with him? I shrug. ‘I always thought he was.’
‘How did you meet?’ She sounds curious.
‘At a party in the village. It was at a friend’s house.’ Frowning, I break off. Since we’ve been together, I’ve lost touch with so many of my friends. ‘I haven’t seen her for some time. But things have changed since I met Matt. I mean, when you first meet someone, you want to spend time alone, don’t you?’
Frowning, Sonia picks up on it straight away. ‘Don’t you see your friends any more?’
‘Not that often.’ I hesitate. ‘I suppose life has been busy – with work, planning the wedding. I’m sure things would have got back to normal after.’ But it isn’t Sonia I’m trying to convince. Matt’s reticence when it came to seeing my friends has always needled me. I’ve seen it as a compromise, prioritising his needs before mine. ‘Relationships are full of compromises.’ Was that so wrong of me?
‘It depends on the compromise.’ Sonia looks at me. ‘Did Matt think the same way? Would you say he compromised?’
Had he? I think of the times I went along with what he wanted, not wanting to rock the boat. Had he done the same for me?
Sonia doesn’t push it further. ‘Have you thought about maybe seeing your GP? They might be able to prescribe something – even in the short term – that might help you through this.’
*
I decide to take her advice and after a visit to my GP, anti-depressants draw a veil over my emotions, while milestones become a measure of the passing of time. The next comes a week to the day after our wedding should have taken place. Today, at this time, we should have been on our way to Rome airport, our taxi weaving through the streets to catch our return flight, heading home to Christmas together, our hearts filled with joy and regret at leaving a beautiful city. But we could always come back, I’d have whispered to Matt, imagining him nodding his agreement, taking my hand. Us: the foolish woman and the liar.
We should have been flying home to the rest of our lives. Gazing out through the kitchen window, I wonder if in a parallel universe, we are there together. Another Matt and Amy, laughing, happy. Honest. Waiting for a plane somewhere in Italy; neither of us able to imagine that in another place and another time, he has disappeared and I’m alone.
Then I remind myself what he’s done to me, my broken heart raging, warped, illogical, savage with its intent – the Matt who’s hurt me so deeply and who I’m incensed with, as I oscillate between tarnished love and noxious hate.
Jess comes home for Christmas earlier than I’m expecting. So far, I’ve told her as little as I can get away with, but as I recount what the police have told me about Matt’s double life, her shock is written on her face.
‘I can’t believe it. He’s vile, Mum. You’re well shot of him.’ A frown crosses her face. ‘I never liked him.’
Her words shock me, then I’m filled with guilt. How had I never noticed? Or had I been so wrapped up in myself, I hadn’t seen what was right in front of me? ‘Why?’
She shakes her head. ‘He was awful to you – so many times. He really was. I don’t think you saw it.’ She pauses. ‘I’m not sure why, but to start with, I’m not sure I did, either. But I didn’t say anything, because I thought you were happy.’
For a moment I don’t reply. ‘You know we had ups and downs, but everyone has them and they were rare. We were OK, Jess.’
‘Really?