the table. It hovers over mine for a second, but at the last second he pulls back. He laces his fingers in front of him.
He’s becoming less and less of a stranger. Feeling and emotions are taking root in me, slowly growing. I see a flash of the memory I unearthed about him: the two of us walking around the house on moving day. The awareness that I had of him when I knew I shouldn’t.
I want to feel guilty. A good person feels guilt. But it’s like trying to force yourself to cry or to care. If it’s not there…it’s not there, and that makes me the shittiest person alive.
I sneak another glance at Sinclair, only to have my gaze collide with his.
“I remember you,” I say so quietly, I’m afraid he can’t hear me.
But he does. His face goes a little pale and I can’t tell if he’s happy or scared.
I have to speak up before I lose the courage. “I remember meeting you at the house. The walk-through that I was late to?”
“You weren’t late. Believe me, I’ve had clients who—”
“—who have been almost two hours late. Now that’s late,” I finish for him.
A small slip of a smile appears on his face. He swallows loudly and drags both hands down his face. “Holy shit,” he breathes. His hands fall heavily to the table. With his elbows resting on the surface, he leans in. “Do you remember anything else?”
“I remember the day we moved in.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it.”
He looks momentarily disappointed and I have to stop myself from asking him to tell me what’s running through his mind; he’s thinking about a memory of the two of us. I can see it in his eyes, how they take on a faraway look. There’s a chance it’s the moments I just mentioned. Or maybe not.
Nervously, I lick my lips. “There’s more to us, isn’t there?”
“Of course there is; hasn’t there always been?”
My eyes blink rapidly, trying to push back the tears as much as possible. “I remember your sister too….We had a good friendship, didn’t we?”
“You did. Which I’ll never understand because she’s bossy, and a loudmouth. You two were the complete opposites of each other, yet somehow it worked.” He pauses for a second. “Are you scared to remember everything?”
“Sometimes no. A lot of times, yes. I don’t know how I’ll react to the truth.” My eyes slam closed. I rub the bridge of my nose and take a deep breath.
“Is this all too much?” he asks.
“No.”
Yes.
But I’ll never tell him that.
Sinclair rests his elbows on the table and dips his head closer. I find myself doing the same thing. Those green eyes that border on being a burnished gold stare straight into mine. They’re enthralling, pulling me in when I have every reason to stay far, far away. My gut starts to twist again and my body starts to tingle.
“Tell me something I can’t remember,” I say quietly.
Sinclair looks me straight in the eye. “The very first time I kissed you, I got a taste of your soul and it was everything that I’m not; it was light to my darkness; cheerful to my worries. That moment will always stay with me. You may forget the story of us, but I’ll always remember.”
I think my heart just dropped to my stomach.
I cradle Evelyn just a little bit tighter and ask a question that I know I have no right to ask. “Sinclair, did you love me?”
Very slowly, he drops his hands and stares at me so intensely, so completely my hands start to shake. “I loved you then and I love you now.”
Maybe Wes is right.
Maybe I have no business digging up the past. The beauty at the beginning of our marriage was slowly fading away, leaving in its wake a relationship that was slowly starting to sour. And if I was just reaching the middle of our story, what was the ending like?
I shudder at the thought.
Time may have dulled the pain and covered the wounds, but now I have been cutting them back open, forced to feel the pain tethered to my heart. I’m reminded that my heart doesn’t beat. It lives through words.
It’s bruised and fractured and sometimes I think it’s going to fall apart, but it’s alive, saying:
I ache.
I ache.
I ache.
But no matter the pain, I know I have to find out. I’ve gone this far. I can’t turn back now…right?
Evelyn’s screams go up an octave, making me flinch. I place her head