No kids. She’s not human until she’s had a cup of coffee in the morning. She hates to cook and orders in a lot.
She’s forty-one and loves her job.
Her openness is not common. Here at Fairfax she’s the exception. At times we slip into a silence that is neither awkward nor comfortable. It’s just…there.
This morning, I told myself that everything would be okay if I told Dr. Calloway that I wanted to leave this place. Now I’m incredibly nervous. Nervous to voice my thoughts. Nervous to get shot down.
“Good morning, Victoria.” Dr. Calloway lifts her head slightly, gives me a smile, and goes back to reading the paper in front of her. Blindly, she gestures at the seats angled toward each other and facing her desk. “Please sit down.”
I take a seat and almost instantly my legs start to bob up and down nervously. Evelyn shifts in her sleep and I stop moving my legs. I remind myself that I have to do this. I have to talk to someone. If not for me, then at least for Evelyn.
Dr. Calloway drops her pen and finally gives me her full attention. “How are you doing today?”
I start to break out in a sweat. I can’t give her my routine reply of “I’m fine.” It doesn’t cut it.
“Great, great,” I start out slowly. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“How long have I been here?”
Dr. Calloway cocks her head to the side. “How long?”
I nod anxiously. My nerves are getting the best of me. So I hold Evelyn a little bit tighter and grasp her hands in mine.
“Well, I’m not sure. That’s something I’d need to look up.” She glances at my mammoth file and back at me and then glances at her computer. She smiles at me. “It’s much faster to look it up here.”
Her fingers fly across the keyboard. It takes only a few seconds, but it feels like years. Finally, she turns the computer screen toward me. It’s my admission sheet. She points at the very bottom of the screen. I see my signature and right next to that is the date: 5-19-2015.
Sinclair was right. Six months.
I sit back in my chair and my mind is running. Why did I think I’ve been here for three years? I feel Dr. Calloway’s eyes on me and meet her gaze.
“Why do you ask?” she gently prods.
I answer honestly. “I thought I’d been here for three years.”
“Three years?” Dr. Calloway’s brows lift. “That’s a long time. Why did you think three years?”
I shrug and go on to tell her I don’t know, but just then I hear the sound of Wes’s voice. It’s very faint at first, but soon the sound turns up and it feels like his lips are against my right ear as he says, “We’re coming up on three years of marriage…”
I meet Dr. Calloway’s eyes. “I have no idea,” I say. Before she can prod any further, I change the subject. “I’ve been doing some thinking lately…”
Say it, my mind urges. Just say it!
Calloway says nothing, just waits patiently for me to continue. God, I wish I had her patience. Nervously, I lick my lips. “I want to leave Fairfax.”
She doesn’t look shocked, just nods agreeably. There’s a look of interest in her eyes. “Why are you ready to leave Fairfax?”
Because I feel like I’m really starting to lose it. I need to take my life back. I need to feel normal again. No, I can’t say that.
“Because I don’t want to be here,” I finally reply.
My words are met with silence. She laces her hands together and rests her chin on top of them.
“Why not?” Dr. Calloway finally asks.
Don’t tell her about the voices, my mind whispers. That will just fuck everything up.
If I’m going to tell the truth, I have to go about it wisely. The last thing I need is for her to think I’m crazy.
“Has anything occurred that’s made you come to this decision?”
My mouth opens and closes. I certainly can’t tell her that I’ve stopped taking my medicine. So I give her a sliver of the truth. “No. I just know I don’t belong here anymore.”
Dr. Calloway stares at me carefully. I don’t see judgment in her eyes. “In order for you to leave, you need to be evaluated by me and a board of doctors before we sign off on discharge papers. We need to see that you’ve made a vast improvement from when you were first checked in.”
That’s what I figured. And