nothing.
It was nothing.
The longer I chanted that in my head, the better I felt. I closed my eyes and imagined my pregnant belly. It was a good thought and for a second I could breathe.
Renee and my mother agreed on one thing: They didn’t want me to stay at the house. But I did; everything else in the world was stolen from me, but this was not. Renee tried her hardest to change my mind but I wouldn’t be deterred.
We pulled up into my driveway. I opened my eyes and stared at the house. I saw home and nothing else.
When I unlocked the front door and stepped into the foyer it was deathly quiet, but the smell of bleach slammed into me. You could hear a pin drop. It was the unnatural quiet that moves in after something awful.
The house was bare and boxes were everywhere. My mother told me I was getting ready to put the house on the market and move. I couldn’t picture myself doing that. Wes and I had built this place to start a beautiful family. Why would I move?
Renee grabbed hold of my elbow. “You okay?”
I gently shook her off and gave her a weak smile. “Good. But we need to turn on the radio or TV; it’s too quiet in here.”
“Everything’s packed away but we can watch some videos on the laptop.”
I walked up the stairs hating how empty the place was. In my mind, I could picture a male’s voice and laughter. It echoed in the foyer and gave me chills. “We need to unpack some boxes.”
When Renee didn’t reply, I stopped and glanced over my shoulder at her.
“Let’s just take everything day by day.”
I didn’t reply. We walked into the master bedroom. It was completely empty. The blinds were open. Sunlight poured in and ran across the floors. Dust motes danced in the air. “Where’s my stuff?”
“I have no idea. A lot of things were packed and ready to go. We’ll have to ask your mom.”
That should have been enough to put me over the edge, but I was determined to stay. I dropped my bag in the middle of the room. Uncomfortable silence circled around Renee and me.
She leaned against the doorway, staring at me. “You don’t have to stay here. You can come home with me. Or stay with—”
“It’s my house. I have to stay here.”
Renee ended up staying till midnight. I finally talked her into helping me unpack a few things. Towels. A few plates and silverware. One down comforter. She offered to stay the night with me if I wanted her to.
I insisted that I wanted to be alone.
“All right,” she sighed. “I guess I’ll be going. I was thinking that I could come over every morning for a bit. I have to go into the flower shop for a few hours but I can return around five or six. I’ve spoken with your mom and she’s agreed to stay with you during the afternoon.”
“You don’t have to do that. I’m fine.”
Renee sighed and grabbed her purse. “No, you’re not. I’m coming over here whether you like it or not.”
“How will you coming every day help?”
“I—”
“It won’t,” I interjected. “I just need to be alone.”
“I know…but I don’t want to leave you alone. I worry about you.”
“I need to be alone. For a few days, okay?”
She stared at me for a long second before she agreed. “But I’m coming over at the end of the week. No matter what.”
And then she left.
It made no sense. This was the time that I should be leaning on a shoulder. But I was wrapped in grief and pain and just wanted a moment to myself.
A moment to try to think everything through.
That night, the silence was too much. I slept in the middle of the room, staring blankly at a movie playing on my laptop. My ears started to ache, and then ring, and soon I heard the distant sounds of shouting.
Finally, I gave up. I moved down the hall and stepped into the baby’s room. Instantly I felt a calming peace drifting over me. The curtains were open, letting in light from the moon. Boxes were stacked against the wall. A crib was slightly put together, but the crib mattress was out, leaning against the wall.
This felt all wrong to me. I wanted to see everything put together. I wanted to walk in here and see a beautiful room, just waiting for a beautiful baby.
I turned on a light,