the headstone.
“I was mad at myself too.”
While it had been easier to blame him for Celia and the accident, the weight of it sat firmly on my shoulders.
“I couldn’t save you,” I said hoarsely as my eyes stung. My head was filled with visions of that moment where he slipped from my grasp.
* * *
“I love Celia. Was going to ask her to marry me. Will you tell her that? Take care of her?”
Stunned my best friend had been cheating with my girlfriend, I lost my grip. When I realized what I’d done, I reached for him. I caught him with both hands, but couldn’t hold on.
* * *
“I’m sorry.”
I touched the headstone and tried to gain my composure. I’d avoided any thoughts of what had happened on that mountain as best I could. Facing it now wasn’t easy.
“It all went down so fast. We had so much training on what to do in an emergency, and I choked when it wasn’t a drill.” I hung my head.
Survivor’s guilt.
I had it in spades and combined with my anger, it was a heavy load.
“I wish you’d told me about you and her.”
I meant that. Yeah, I would've been beyond angry. I might not have spoken to either of them for a long time after. Or I might have been more understanding. But I never had the choice.
“You should’ve told me you loved her. Looking back it’s obvious. Maybe you were better together than she and I were." I kicked at the grass. “But I trusted you.”
Betrayal. Death. Loss.
They’d all come in a gigantic wave that had knocked me off my feet.
“I miss you, man.”
That was what it all came down to. The fresh wounds had faded into this steady hurt. Baker had helped me manage the pain to the point I could be here now, talking to Cameron.
“I don’t know if I’m to blame for what happened with the two of you. It doesn’t matter now. I just wish you were still around so I could punch you in the mouth.” I laughed. How many times had he threatened to do the same thing to me?
I dug in my pocket and pulled out my ranger badge. “I hope wherever you are you’re happy.” I placed the metal on his headstone. “See you on the other side.”
As I walked to my truck, I breathed a little easier. What he’d done was wrong, but it couldn’t be fixed. I was the one suffering because I hadn’t been able to let it go. And if things hadn’t happened the way they did, I’d have missed out on more time with my family. I’d have missed out on playing guinea pig for lip gloss and blush and whatever all that stuff was. Holding on to my anger wasn’t worth losing that.
* * *
“Dixon. You want to go grab a beer?”
I pressed my phone to my ear. “Roman, I quit.”
Silence greeted me before he burst out laughing. “You asshole. For a second, I thought you were serious.”
“I am.”
“What? You just got back. You can’t quit.”
“I have to.”
“Is it because of Celia?”
“No. No. I’m over it. If you want her, you have my blessing.” Something in me had shifted. I hadn’t thought it was possible to get over her, but somewhere along the way, I had. Talking to Cameron had helped, but it was Baker who’d shown me what a relationship should be.
“Come over. Let’s talk about this.”
“I’m at the airport in Chicago, man.”
“Damn, you are serious.” He let out a long sigh. “Let me add up the vacation you have left. I’ll put in your resignation when it runs out. At least that way you’ll get paid.”
“Thanks.” I ran a hand through my hair. “I want a guided tour of the park next time I come into town.”
He laughed. “You better, asshole.”
* * *
“Do you know her address?”
“Holt. It’s three in the morning,” Marlow said, her voice rough.
“Do I sound sleepy?”
The sheets rustled. “I haven’t heard from you in a month.”
“If I didn’t need something from you, I wouldn’t be talking to you now.”
Silence.
“Do you have it or not?”
“What are you going to do?” She was wide awake now.
“Send flowers. What do you think? I want to talk to her.”
She sighed. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, smart ass.”
“Having a relationship with our estranged mother for years behind all of our backs wasn’t a good idea.” I wasn’t sure I’d ever get past her betrayal.
“I’ve ended it.”
“Forgive me if I don’t believe you.”
“Stay away from