everything we had surged panic through me. I couldn’t stop the words from coming.
“You have to choose. Right now.” Desperation made my words sharp and defiant.
“Don’t make her choose to save your ego,” Roddy said in soft condescension. “Yo-Yo, you don’t have to listen to him. He’s upset because he thinks he’s lost his muse. But you need to tell him what you told me. Be honest. Tell him that you want to go home.”
My heart slammed against my chest. If they weren’t here, I’d grip the wall to keep from collapsing. Had she talked about me to him? How often where they talking? After I had made her come? When we spent hours sharing and playing with each other? I felt like I was growing a new life with this woman and now I was finding out she was a total stranger. Everything had been for her. This tool knew nothing about what made her amazing.
Kim turned to me, her eyes mournful. “It’s not that I don’t want to help you. I do—”
“Can you take off that ridiculous mask? We all know you’re Erik Jones. Erik Devlin Jones.” He rolled his eyes.
Kim’s eyes widened and she covered her mouth. No.
“You told him?” I asked feeling like the ground under my feet crumbled with every passing second.
“No. How could you even think that?” She stood and her gaze was restless with worry.
“I don’t know anything anymore.” I shook my head. I couldn’t trust anything. My own feelings for her must have colored every happy memory we had together. Now all I saw was her laughing with Chagny about me. Every time she left my house, did she go to him? I imagined it—the two of them with bent heads, whispering about my past.
“She didn’t tell me.” Roddy stood too. “You think I’d let somebody I love spend all that time with you without knowing who you really are? I thought it was harmless. I didn’t know you were obsessed with her.”
“I don’t give a fuck what you think.” I went to Kim. When I tried to grab her hands, she pulled them away and wrapped them tightly around her middle. “Kim, I know you’re scared. It’s just you and me, remember?”
She shook her head, no tears. She looked checked out. “I need time to process.”
Roddy stood and came to Kim’s side. “I’m sure if you really want to stay, we could explain everything to the orchestra. Carla and the others think the worst, especially now. But we could make it work, if that’s what you really want. You know I could make that happen for you.”
Kim closed her eyes tightly as his words hit the mark. He knew exactly what he was doing. I couldn’t compete against that. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t use her weaknesses to emotionally manipulate her.
“Kim.” I stepped closer to her. Not too close to crowd her. I didn’t touch her, but I let her remember the heat of our bodies close together. “Please look at me. Tell me what you want.”
“She goes by Christine now. It’s time to let the past go,” Chagny said.
“I swear to God, if you don’t put a muzzle on him …” I shook.
“I need time to think.” She didn’t open her eyes, just brought her balled fists to her temples.
“You need to choose,” I said.
“I can’t.”
“Are you staying or going?” With every second of pressure she was closer to breaking. She was a drum I was tuning too tight, but I couldn’t stop. She needed to say it. She was in charge of her life. Not either of us.
“Roddy,” she said, and my heart fell to the floor. “Can you give us five minutes?”
He nodded and headed for the door, he stopped to kiss her temple on the way out. “I’m here for you. If you need anything, I’ll be right outside.”
By the time he was out of the room my joints hurt from the rigid tension my whole body held.
“If you are going to break it to me gently, don’t bother. Just do it. I’ll find another cellist.”
I shouldn’t have said that. It was a stupid thing to say, but I couldn’t let her see how deeply she’d cut me. How much she’d hurt me. That was her song. That was my soul on paper again for her and she wouldn’t accept it.
She stepped closer. She grabbed my hands.
“Things are happening too fast. I never would have … with you if … Roddy and I are just friends.”
“But you’re leaving