me. His eyebrow cocked.
“Oh, hey, Evan,” I say, casually hiding the bag behind my back.
“Want a ride to campus? I’m on my way.” He moves to the staircase and heads down the three floors to the parking lot. I follow, internally debating.
I want to say no, but it’s freezing outside. “Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks.”
His car is red and flashy, with big tires and large round lights on top. It’s an SUV of some kind. I think maybe a Ford, but I’m not sure.
He unlocks the door with a click-click and climbs in. I open the passenger door and lift myself up. I think about Kyle and how I know he would’ve opened my door, helped me in. I wonder where Kyle learned his manners. Certainly not his father.
The engine turns over and roars to life. Loud country blares from the stereo. Evan doesn’t bother to turn it down. I quickly buckle up and clutch the grocery bag full of Kyle’s letters to my chest.
“Whatcha got in there?” Evan shouts over the loud music. His eyes indicate my bag.
Thinking quickly, I say, “Just my phone and some other stuff.”
“I still can’t believe Evan bought you a phone. That boy is whipped.” He shakes his head as he laughs.
I have no response.
Kyle’s driving is maniacal, and I have to resist the urge to grab the dash and hang on for dear life.
When he reaches Irvine Hall, he screeches to a halt. Finally, he turns the music down. “Good seeing ya, Maddie.”
I open the door, and slide out. “You too.” I give him a tight smile and slam the door. Once I’m inside I heave a deep breath, grateful for the ground and my ability to be walking on it.
27
Maddie
Slice the Edge
When I get inside the room I spin in circles, trying to figure out what I want to do. Hide the letters? Read them?
“Read them now,” I say aloud, and plop onto my bed. First I want to organize the letters by year. As I touch each envelope, my hands tremble. I’m terrified. If I open these there will be no going back. Kyle will know I’ve read them, even if I were to somehow sneak them back into his apartment. But if I come clean now, maybe he’d just give them to me. Let me read them anyway. I should’ve asked him instead of stealing them. He’ll probably me mad. I’ve invaded his privacy, broken his trust. Stolen from him.
I’m a rotten, no good thief.
And I’m about to pack them all up when I notice one with a single heart drawn in black pen on the front.
A heart.
My heart speeds, and beats against my chest. I have to read it.
Just this one. Then I’ll take them back. With a pair of scissors I cut off one of the short sides of the envelope, blow inside, and carefully slide the three ring binder paper out. I unfold it and read:
Dear Maddie,
I turned fourteen today. Didn’t do much. Hung out with Evan. We saw a movie. Ate. Listened to music.
I kept thinking about you. I never stop.
When we went to the movies, I ordered Junior Mints because those are your favorite. When we ate lunch, I ordered a chicken sandwich instead of a cheeseburger because I knew that’s what you would’ve ordered. Evan asked what my problem was, but I ignored him.
You were everywhere today. I swear I saw you six different times. Your brown hair tucked behind your ears. But then the girl would turn around, and it wasn’t you.
I kept looking. I won’t stop.
I wished you could’ve spent today with me. We probably would’ve done the same thing me and Evan did, but it would’ve been a lot more fun, because it would’ve been with you.
Remember the cake you made for my eleventh birthday? It was chocolate with chocolate icing. You put sprinkles on it, and eleven candles. At the time I think I acted kind of embarrassed, like I didn’t really like it. But I want you to know, it meant a lot to me. It still does. Every birthday since I’ve thought about your cake. You. I’m sorry if I was mean.
And Maddie, whatever I’ve done to make you mad, I’m sorry for that too. Really sorry. Like every day I wake up and for one moment I’m happy because I haven’t remembered that you’re gone yet. But when I do, it’s a struggle to get out of bed, do what I have to, because you aren’t here.