didn’t miss her. At least not that much.
Now that we’re grown, it’s not about the way she took care of me. It’s about the hurt I see in her face. The way she tries to hide it, block it away, and I feel this undeniable need to be there for her. Like she’s the Earth, and I’m bound to her by gravity. Even if I'd wanted to break away, I can’t. There’s something inside me, holding me to her.
“Dude.” He shoves his shoulder into mine.
I run my hands through my hair. Open my eyes, and stare out at nothing.
“The bitch didn’t return a phone call. Not a single letter.” He flicks the died-out cigarette from my fingers.
I watch it fall to the pavement below. “You know how, after my father died, I was kind of a wreck? Drugs. Drinking. Doing shit I shouldn’t.”
Evan nods. “Yeah, those were good times. My dad had to pull some serious strings to get you out of a couple of messes.”
We laugh. Punch each other a few times. The shit we do. Talking, not so much, but I feel like I need to explain the way I feel to him. I’m just not sure where to begin. Still, I try. “It was like ants were crawling around inside. I thought I would go crazy. The feeling wouldn’t go away, no matter what I did.”
Evan lights another cigarette. “Okay. What does that have to do with… Maddie?”
I take another drag. “She calms all the shit going on inside of me.”
He snorts. “I thought that’s what playing piano—music did.”
I nod. “Yeah, it helps. But with her here, I feel…” I rub my hands through my hair. “Whole.” I laugh. “It sounds stupid. Even I know that.”
Evan takes back his cigarette and sucks in. He’s staring at me like I’ve just grown three heads. “Sure, bro. Whatever.”
I slam my hands on the banister and straighten up. “Yeah, whatever. Want a beer?”
“Yeah, as long as it’s a chaser to something stronger.”
21
Maddie
What the Hell
The rest of the week goes by in a blur of classes, homework, practice—piano practice and kissing Kyle practice—more homework, and hanging out with Gina. Repeat. By Friday night I’m exhausted. All I want to do is fall asleep, but I’ve promised Gina I’ll go to a party tonight. Be her wing woman, which basically means I’ve got her back and will keep her out of trouble. I’m nervous about it. If she drinks too much, I don’t know that I’ll be able to stop her antics.
Kyle is going to meet us there. I’ve told him I need to focus on Gina, and he understands. He says he’ll keep an eye on her too. Very thoughtful. Very un-chauvinistic.
“Are you ready?” I ask, only a little impatient. Gina has changed her outfit for the sixth time. I’ve never seen her so undecided.
“Shit. I don’t know what’s wrong.” She kicks off a pair of boots and doesn’t put them back in their box.
I walk over. “Gina, what are you looking for?” I pat her knee.
She throws her hands in the air. “That’s the problem. I’m not sure.”
I walk to her closet and look through it. There’s a pair of jeans. Tags are still on them. I pull them off the hanger. “What about these?”
“Gross. I won’t wear...” She stops and grabs them. “Oh, what the hell.” She rips off the tags and her black leggings. Tosses them on the floor. Then pulls on the jeans. They fit like a second skin, tight all the way down to her ankles. The black shirt she’s wearing fits snugly. It doesn’t cover all of her stomach and exposes her belly button, her hipbones. She twirls in front of the mirror. “I like it.” She runs over to a shoebox, flings it open, and pulls out her ankle boots, the same ones she wore the first night we went to a party.
“You look gorgeous,” I say, and mean it. Her choppy blond hair is spiked everywhere. Her eyes are lined and her lips are reddened.
I’m wearing dark jeans, a blue sweater, and my black ballet flats. My hair is pulled up in a high ponytail. I’ve put on some mascara and lip-gloss.
She grabs her purse and my stomach churns. Now that I know what’s in there, what she’s going to do, I feel an unnatural hated for her stupid black purse. I want to make her stop, tell her she doesn’t need to do what I know she’s going to do, but I