I am. I wanted to wait for you, but I needed to do it as more than your friend. I know I said I was fine, but I’m not. I needed more. You’re all I have and if you couldn’t love me. No one will. And I can’t live with that. I’m never going to be good enough. Never. So, why bother. I can’t do it anymore. It’s too hard. Life is too hard. My mind is too hard to live with. I just wanted to love you. I wanted you to love me. I can’t do this. I’m sorry. Even if you don’t love me, I’ll always love you.
She’d killed herself that night when I went out with Kent.
Bile rose up my throat, and I almost fell on the deck in my rush to run to the bathroom. I slammed against the door, ready to fling it open, only to find it locked.
“Hanna,” I shouted, slapping my palms to the door. “Hanna. Open up, baby. I’m sorry. Please, open up.” Sweat beaded on my forehead, and I took in the door, looking for the weak spot to break it open. “Fuck, I’m sorry, Hanna. Talk to me. Please.”
I shook the handle, the adrenaline flooding my muscles, making me feel like I could rip it off.
I didn’t need to worry about it because, in the next instant, the door flung open. Hanna stood with a towel wrapped around her body, her hair sopping wet, hanging down her back. Her beautiful green eyes wide in shock.
Without any thought at all, I yanked her into my arms, squeezing her too tight, but not caring.
“Daniel? What the hell?” she asked with no heat.
“I’m sorry I pushed. I just wanted to help, and I pushed too hard, and I snapped when I shouldn’t have.”
She pushed against my chest, but held on to my arms, looking up with furrowed brows. I could only imagine what I looked like. I could only imagine the wild fear marring my features.
“Are you okay?” she asked slowly.
Swallowing, I take deep breath after deep breath to get myself under control. “Yeah,” I breathed. “I’m sorry I snapped. And you stormed off, and I panicked. I just worried when you locked yourself in here—I just…”
I just worried you’d hurt yourself like Sabrina, and it would be all my fault.
I couldn’t admit it, but I think she understood because her hands slowly moved up and down to soothe me.
“I’m okay. I think we both just needed to cool down.”
“Yeah.” I nodded and took another deep breath, leaning down to press a kiss to the top of her head. “I’m sorry. Really fucking sorry. I lashed out, and it was wrong. You know I want to help you. Hell, I offered, and I’m a gigantic asshole for making you question that. I’m sorry.”
Her shoulders relaxed, and the Hanna from the past few months shined through a little more than moments ago.
“I shouldn’t have pushed you.”
She nodded. “You shouldn’t have. And I shouldn’t have pushed you either. I’m sorry, too.”
“I just worry. I like you. And as you pointed out, I’m aware of how shit can break free at the worst time.” If I wasn’t aware of that before, my near panic from seconds ago made it clear as day. “I don’t want that for you.”
She stepped out of my arms and crossed her own across her chest but looked more open like she had this morning. “I understand. I guess I can appreciate you looking out for me,” she said with a small smile. “Just not today.”
“I can agree to that.”
I ran my hands through my hair and became very aware of the fact that I was still naked. Especially when her eyes dropped down my body, and she flushed.
“So, what now?” she asked softly.
“How about you finish getting ready, and we check out the island activities?”
“Sounds like a plan.”
“I’m sorry again,” I said before she could close the door. I could see the doubt still lingering from our argument. Maybe that was why I let another one of my truths free. “I’m sorry for thinking the worst when you stormed off. I guess my past snuck up on me when I least expected it. I just wanted to make sure you were fine.”
Her green eyes softened in understanding. “It’s okay. I promise you, Daniel. I’m fine.”
That’s what she said too.
22
Hanna
“You can do this, Hanna. Just go up. Drop the papers off. Act like nothing happened. Ignore the big brother knowing glare.”
I stood