hands. The memory of holding my daughter in my arms when they said she was gone. The horrified look on Nolan’s face when he realized our daughter had died—it all hit me at once. I dropped onto my ass and wrapped my arms around my knees as I cried. I felt my entire body shake as sob after sob hit me, rocking me to the core.
Once I managed to gain control of my emotions, I looked down at what was in the trunk. A picture frame with a photo of me holding Amanda minutes after she was born, Nolan sitting next to me looking down at her. I remembered the moment like it was yesterday. I set the photo on the floor and tore through the trunk. There were clothes and toys and I nearly lost my breath when I saw a small box sitting off to the side. I reached for it, already knowing what it was. I opened it and felt my body shake once more.
My wedding band set.
A loud scream filled the attic, and for a moment I didn’t even realize it was coming from me. I was positive the neighbors could hear me a mile away.
I stood, wiped my eyes, and stumbled back. I clutched the velvet box in my hands and reached for the photo. Without any feeling in my entire body, I made my way down the steps to my room and stripped off my clothes. I put on a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt and then grabbed an old gym bag and filled it with clothes and whatever else I could think to take from my bathroom. The entire time I felt like I could hardly breathe from crying so hard. With my mumbled pleas to God, I begged him to help me understand how I had mentally blocked all of this out of my mind—and why in the hell everyone had allowed me to avoid the situation. I was an emotional mess. Anger began to mix with all the other confusing emotions. I knew I needed to leave before anyone showed up. I was positive Nolan would find another way to get to me. The last thing I could do was face him.
No, I couldn’t face anyone right now. I needed to be alone. Alone so I could…so I could what? Grieve? Scream out in anger? Figure out why everyone lied to me or why I lied to myself?
I gave my head a jerky shake and drew in a deep breath. Before I headed downstairs, I ran back up to the attic and grabbed a small blanket I remembered knitting for Amanda while I was pregnant. I stuffed it into the bag with the photo, my rings, and clothes. I turned once more and ran as fast as I could down the steps of the attic, down the next flight of steps, and out my parents’ front door, dropping Nolan’s keys on the side table by the entrance as I went.
I stopped at the end of the walkway and stared. The next house down from my parents’ was a quarter of a mile, on either side. It was nothing but silence as I stared down the road. Then I did the only thing I knew how to do. After eight long years, I ran away once more. I had no destination in mind, only the desire to run. So hard and so fast my lungs burned, and soon my legs felt like jelly. Every muscle in my body ached, and I was glad for it. It dimmed the pain in my heart ever so slightly, and pulled my attention away from it breaking.
Once I’d exhausted myself and I couldn’t run another step, I pulled out my cell phone and called the only person I knew who would help me.
Nolan
WHEN LINNZI LOOKED over her shoulder at me, my heart dropped to my stomach. The anguish on her face caused me to freeze in my tracks. Then I saw the tears, and my entire world felt like it had stopped.
She got in an Uber, and it raced off down the street.
“Are the keys in the truck?” I shouted as I ran by the valet.
“Sir, wait! Sir, she has the keys!”
I skidded to a stop. “What?” I shouted.
“Um, I handed them to her, then she said she had to go and threw your wallet into the passenger seat. Maybe she threw your keys there too?”
I quickly pulled open the passenger door and nearly