life itself since seeing him in concert. She was soooo jealous when I got a photo of him at a book promotion.
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do. Honest. You can have it if you fly over here.”
“Suzy even if I had time, which I don’t, how would I pay for the flight? And my Mom wouldn’t let me. You know that. Come on pull yourself together. You have to sort this out yourself. I’ll guide you from afar.”
“I suppose you’re right.” I feel really awful. I’ve blown everything.
“Okay. Get some paper and pen from your desk.”
I drag my feet over to my desk and do as she says. “Now what?”
“Sit down and we’ll start to think of different things you can do to make sure Ryan doesn’t say anything. We’ll write a list.”
Ah now I get it. Maddie is big on lists. Which I find totally weird. Lists are a thing parents do. But her room is covered with them. Sometimes you can’t see yourself in her mirror there are so many post-its up there. I think she’s bordering on obsessive compulsive. I saw a docu on it a while back and she certainly has a lot of the tendencies. I haven’t the heart to say anything about it to her. And she might grow out of it when she’s older. Anyway, as usual, I’m digressing and that’s not helping.
“You start,” I say, firmly. “My mind’s a total blank.”
“Kill him.”
“What?”
“Kill him. That would stop him telling everyone.”
“Ha ha. That would stop him doing anything ever again. Don’t you think it’s a bit drastic?”
“Yeah, well you know what my mother says. Desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Just as I’m beginning to think Maddie’s serious a loud belly laugh storms down the phone.
“If you tell me you believed me,” Maddie continues, “I’ll kill you too.”
I burst out laughing. “You’re so ridiculous. I’ll write it down anyway so at least we have something on the list.”
“Ooooo. I’ve had an idea.”
My heartbeat quickens—Maddie’s excitement is so contagious.
“What? Go on, tell me.”
“Tell everyone he’s been spreading rumours about you and then if he tells them they won’t believe him.” She pauses a moment. “You know if I say so myself that’s a great idea.”
Well, Maddie might think so but I don’t. Then again she doesn’t know Ryan like I do (or did). You know, it seems just like yesterday when I saw him for the first time. And call me dreamy, but I knew the moment our eyes met, over the pile of rucksacks, that he was a special boy.
And when the cords of our bags got all tangled while we were taking them off the pile and we ended up connected to one another; well, it was a sign. And Ryan felt it too. I could see. It was written all over his face. And from that moment on we were inseparable. I lift my feet up onto the chair and wrap my arms around my knees as a feeling of warmth engulfs me. There was nothing to dislike about Ryan. He was kind, funny, sensitive (not in a girly way) and to me, at age sixteen, perfect.
I remember holding his hand while sitting beside the river watching the boats go by, and laughing at the fishermen desperately trying to catch something to take home for tea and justify their absence from home the entire day.
In the evenings we’d sneak out of our cabins to meet. And when we decided to do it, it just seemed the most natural thing in the world. Ryan didn’t try to persuade me. We both wanted to. And I never regretted it for one single moment. And I’ve also never wanted to do it with anyone else since. How could I, it would just be sex for sex’s sake? And I know lots of girls my age don’t care. But that’s because they haven’t had what Ryan and I had. But that was over a year ago.
I shake my head to try and rid the memories. Things have changed. I’ve moved on, at least in some ways I have. Ryan has definitely moved on. Dreaming about the past isn’t going to change the future. Even so, I can’t consider anything that might harm him.
“Sorry, no. It’s too mean. It’s not his fault I’ve got myself into this mess.”
“Here we go. You’re too soft. Look, remember he’s standing between you and Guy. You do still like Guy don’t you?”
“You know I do. But I don’t want to hurt Ryan if